pretend that you're alive ... again

LoveDrug - "Pretend You're Alive"

Oh summer life,
oh summer life,
crawling with these worms,
you're afraid of all their germs.
oh bask in life,
oh bask in life,
the weather's gonna swallow you into the great divide,
oh enjoy life,
oh enjoy life,
climbing up those trees and breaking all your knees.

Watch angels in the morning
become devils after noon.
I will panic in the evening
underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.

Now autumn brings
the beautiful things,
where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.
Your life's a song,
so sing along
before the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn.

Watch angels in the morning
becoming devils after noon,
I will panic in the evening
underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.
It's friends that leave you here in the end,
so hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive.

Your friends,
now ghosts,
are screaming "Bury us," they said,
while panic in my mind was broken.

God answered my prayers today!!!  My spring break trip to go to the
Dominican Republic to build schools and sidewalks and help ppl = $1200.
Woah. I'd sent out letters for support, but I was at $980 as of
yesterday. Needless to say I was worried and praying a lot. I am only
execting $100 more and my parents just sent $200 so I was expecting to
be in debt $700!!! So last night I was talking to good 'ol Dan of whom
you all know so well by now (yes, same one I slept at his apartment
forever) and we were about to go to bed (we were talking online). He
asks 'hey - may i pray for ya?' and I say 'yeah - money'. He knows
what's going on, so he says 'okay - i'll pray that more comes than is
expected'. My attitude was 'that'd be nice, but that won't happen'.
So
today I go in to talk to my pastor about figuring out how to pay it off
and he says don't borrow money from anyone, just be endebted to him and
we'll figure out what goes down after spring break (because some people
over-raise money). I say okay. So great. I go to check on the few
cheques that were supposed to come in and the $100 one had so I was
like okay - so I owe $800, right? My friend/helper says no - it says
here you owe $510. I tell her no, that's the wrong line. So she
highlights it for me on the spread sheet and proves that it's mine. So
I say 'oh, that's how much i've received then'. She once again says no
- that's how much I owe. I tell her she's wrong like a bazillion times
and she says 'V - someone made an anonymous donation. That's it.'
*thud* I went nuts. PRAYERS ANSWERED!!! I'm expecting one more cheque
on top of my parent's cheque - so I might be only owing $200!!! THAT'S
NOT $700!!!! Plus - who knows what might spill over from over-raised
money. OMGOSH!!! Yeah, God rocks. I love it.

CELIBACY BLOG UPDATE!!!  (BACHELOR TO THE RAPTURE)

llorando - ay - la lluvia

I cried again today. Dang it I'm totally turning into a pansy!!!!!!!! Heh - I slept through my friggen 1pm class again. But I made it to the last 1/2 of it. It's just my dang favourite. Anyhoo, I was exactly either on time or a minute late to my spanish class, and my professor quite rudley yelled "TARDE" at me. Like he was really angry. What the heck have I done to him? I got my exam back - 65%. I left because I was so frusterated and angry that I was crying. I went to talk to Fabio about it - my professor from Spanish last semester... I have no idea why I wanted to go talk to him. I even thought about how he probably wasn't going to be there and then what would I do because I'd be crying all over the hall way. He was there... Poor guy had to see me like that. Ew. HAHAHA. But now I am going to do something worth being angry at me about to my current prof - Fabio suggested I talk to the section coordinator. So I sent a long email. I'm just so sick of it and so is everyone else in the class. That's not the first time he's yelled at me. Gosh... nevermind *deep breath* I'm good. I really want to punch a wall though - Richard! You've rubbed off on me!!! Meh. I compleated my pottery project in art. That was cool... I'm supposed to be at swing dance club right now but I so don't feel like going anywhere right now... I wish I had some cookie dough or ice cream - I HAVE HERSHIES KISSES!!! Okay... Hmm... *wanders away*

okay hey wow

Okay I'm really pissed off now because DAN I FEEL YOU stupid MySpace deleted my thing when I tabbied over to my other internet tab. Grrrr....

So let's see... I dont even remember what I wrote! Er, technically typed.
Oh, yeah, I started with the fact that I actually don't even have time to be on right now. I've been super busy. I miss Sammie and Princess Bear a lot and cried over it. Then I cried over my favourite clogs falling apart (for those of you who don't know, they're from 6th grade - they're as old as Ashley and I's friendship!). Then I cried because I read a book called "Tree Girl" - wait! That's me! That's why I read it. It was AMAZING. Then I cried over a poem that my favourite current professor wrote to me:
"You are so beautiful,
your thought,
your youth,

There must be a prince out there,
who is thinking the same as you do.

My sweet girl
you make me smile, though...
Make my day
for no reason whatsoever..." - Simone Chun
She's amazing... Yeah, she rocks. But I didn't cry in that order - that's not how everything went down. That was on Sunday. I wrote a poem today:

I had a dream the other night / I had a dream we did it right. / No strange boundaries were ever crossed, / no matter of innocence was lost. / It was perfect love and care / that careful hope when sin will beware. / If only, if only we had managed this, / we might still remain in enamourous bliss. / But ruin it we did in deed / and an end cam e out of major need. / Now my heart seems ... to have fallen / and I wish for what was all in / the dream had occured in real life... <3

Lastly - I will leave you with a quote from Postal Service - Clark Gable:
I want so badly to believe that there is truth
and love is real
and I want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years
but do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie
that you tell yourself to help you get by...

thunder and rain

The sky is falling, as I begged it to. Crashing down it breaks for me. The angels cry as fear may flash - it brightens up my every room. Behind the darkness the clouds speak to me / they tell me of their travels - they cry for those in need. They scream for the spring that is supposed to come soon, the warmth that refuses to come. Crumbling down they come, angry at the life that should be - angry at the death that remains. The seas are falling from the sky, trying hard to bring life, trying hard to end life, trying hard to empty the skies. Joy is flashing across the sky - the clouds sing in their triumphant reclaim, and the sun cries for fear of never being seen again. It is as it should be...

life as we know it

I officially am part of the Mike, Dan and Allen family at Campus View and sometimes live here LOL. I've probably spent more time with them at their apartment in the past week than at my own house. Poor Sammie!!! He does miss me a lot now.

Anyhoo - the chocolate was from Cody as a thankyou for going to the Ball with him. Oh yeah, it was fun. Chocolate rocks! :-D

secret admirers

Okay - so who was it that sent me chocolate roses for V-day? Someone did good detective work because they came to the house and my address is on Facebook ((( few know my new address as of yet ))). It's probably a girl who loves me - like an ex roomate - but I still want to know!!! REVEAL THYSELF SECRET ADMIRER!!!

Anyhoo, I wore black all day and got complements so I guess we're cool. :-D

stolen valentines surveys

VALENTINES SURVEY

1. do you like anyone?: uhmm...

2. do they know it?: pffttt no - moves will be made w/o encouragement thank you!

N0N-VALENTiNES DAY Q`S

1. Are you in a relationship?: heck no!

2. If so, who with?: ...

3. Sign?: leo - beo

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?: prolly not - I do believe in random attraction though... ponder that one for a bit!

5. what about true love?: yeah... but not for me

6. Have you made out with casual people?: heck no ew

7. Would you kiss on the first date?: heck no ew

8. Do you look for one night stands?: heck no ew

9. Do you enjoy recieving flowers?: heck no ew - I mean - yeah... 'cept it doesn't happen often... Now it doesn't happen at all but that's my decision not by others... Mmmmm - I think I'ma buy myself roses for valentines day - is that lame?

10. Do you enjoy gifts from your girl/guy: I used to hope so - now I have no one to say so...

++VALENTINES QUESTIONS++

1. you have a valentine planned out to have?: yeah - I'd like to anyhow for my friends....

2. do you like having a valentine?: I really wouldn't know much about that one.

3. does someone like you currently?: hehehehehehe *snickering* yeah...

4. are you even worried about the upcoming holiday?: I'm excited to wear all black!

5. whats the best gift to recieve on the day? : A kiss from someone who means it.

6. Is a tiny kiss (peck on cheek)during school on v-day sweet? oh heck yes - my friends kiss me on the forehead all the time!

7. why is this an important holiday to couples?: it's not

8. have you ever gotten something from someone on the day?Yeah - once I had a boyfriend on valentines day... that was something new and different and I'm not sure I want to experiance it again b/c it brings about many false expectations that ruin life instead of beautify it...

where o where have i gone

So... I've been AWOL from my life lately - I've slept at my house once in the past 4 days... I've been hanging out with Dan Wolfe and Mike and Allen and Tricia over in Campus View and OMGOSH I've had just about the best week ever. Expecially these past 4 days - going on 5!!! (I'm sleeping over tonight... again...) What amazing life.

I discovered something more about dancing and sexiness - it's so amazing that a guy can lead in dance - it'll be even more amazing to see if that leadership that is so strongly represented can be reflected in every aspect of life... Haha!

So that's what's been going on. Oh, and my roomate has given Sammie (cat) an eviction notice... Pooh pooh. Anyone want a sweetie cat? :-/

Paz out.

the return to innocence

"My God - I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."
-Martha Singer

Thank you Martha for that quote. I think that it appropriatly represents these past two nights... Except in a different way. I haven't had such a good time at a dance in heaven knows when. But I haven't been danced with like that since God knows when. It was beautiful, and it was wonderful, but it was also innocent. It was like before all that crap happened to me. I was not worried about rubbing against anyone because I knew that the people I was with weren't thinking in the wrong ways. And the men I danced with - last night and tonight - know what they're doing. They KNOW how to dance - but the bigger part is that they know how to LEAD. They know how to make the woman look good as well as himself, and they know how to make it all happen without confusing the heck out of the woman. They're not doing anything or putting their hands anywhere they shouldn't. And that has to be the SEXIEST thing I've ever encountered... I've never met a man like that before in my life. Then again, recently, I'd never met a 100% gentleman either... So I guess someone was hiding all the wonderful men out there! I'm glad that I finally have some brothers that won't hurt me - that will treat me right. Taken care of...

The return to innocence is something I've been trying so hard to acheive for a while - and I think I'm finally there - or close to it. I haven't had an impure thought about a guy or wondering about dating every guy I meet in a while. I'm not focused on that at all anymore, and it's wonderful. I've learned to lean back, and wait. If a guy wants to dance with me, and is respectable, he'll ask. If he wants to go out with me - he'll ask. He'll ask, and have enough self esteem and confidence to be ready to be turned down. THAT's something sexy. I'm alright on my own. Finally. But I am. I don't need a guy to take me to dinner or to complicate my life, so I'm not going to lay myself down and ask a guy to. That's what's been happening in the world lately. Women are so desperate because of what the media and society tells us that they are willing to lower their sexual status and take the role of the man and ask. Then they wonder where the leaders are - the men who sweet women off their feet. Well, you took away their job. You're doing the work for them, and they're becoming pansies. It's not like this everywhere, you know. A friend of my pastor went to work in China for an extended period of time (such as 6 months) and said that while he was there that all sexual and relational pressures almost ceased. It wasn't for lack of women - it was the society. The U.S is a very materialistic place, and we've even turned significant others into things. That's why men and women can treat each other so horribly.

I was watching Kate and Leopold the other day. I thought; if men were so shivoulrous all the time, so gentlemanly, women would feel compelled to match the standard. They would act like ladies. And imagine a world where if a man should ever offend a woman, it is a horrid thing and he would feel so horrible himself. A woman is alowed to slap a man across the face when due, and a man can shake a woman if she's gone off her rocker - but none would ever hit the other with intentions of doing real damage. How beautiful. Are there men left? Because I only see boys... ((( Not to mention all the tomboys running around... ))) <3

PS - "It's meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife." -Alanis Morrisett I'm not saying that this just happened (expecially not someones' wife...), but even if it had, it wouldn't matter to me because I have no part of action. Pffttt.

*listening to The Cranberries - complements of Mike*

Ya gotta know them - expcially when you're crossing one that is 60 miles an hour!!! Okay so I got locked out of my house again... w/o keys or a cell

today!!!!!!!!!

Ya gotta know them - expcially when you're crossing one that is 60 miles an hour!!! Okay so I got locked out of my house again... w/o keys or a cell phone. Dang it. So I figured out that I could look in a phone book for numbers and then use a phone so crossed that dang street to the neighbors. What a wonderful lady! Her name is Cheryl. I'ma make her cookies, she was so kind. I eventually had to facebook people b/c I couldn't find their phone numbers in the phone book and my landlady wasn't answering her phone. I got a hold of Jenn and she came and got me and now I'm chillin alone at my old apartment. I'll eventually take the bus to campus and we'll go from there. Hopefully my candle that is lit doesn't do something weird - but it's in a metal canaster so it should be okay. Unless Sammie decides to be bad and go on the dresser... shoot... So that's my day so far. And I'm lucky I even wore shoes to go outside (to feed the stray) in the first place... Because I wasn't even gonna do that!!! No coat though - but it's nice out so it's okay. Chilly after 10 minutes of wandering, but nice. Welcome to my life. <3

bachelour to the rapture!!!

February 8, 2006

I'd like to thank Ashley for the tip on that phrase...

Onward to business!!! This will be an ongoing edited blog about why I've chosen celebacy. Just so you guys are much less confused about my life - not that you really need to know. If I update it, I'll say so in a recent blog of that day. I may updated it because I am constantly uncovering new reasons!!!

Now - to begin:
*with the line of work that I'm planning on doing - a boyfriend/husband will only hold me back. I mean, you find me a guy that is willing to travel constantly all over the world and not only sight see but do humanitarian work with the poorest of the poor and sickest of the sick and love every sore and pain out there? Hmm...
*I'm a terrible girlfriend - and guys are much better friends with me.
*There really aren't any gentlemen out there anymore ('cept one - yeah Cody!)
*I'm wicked picky about guys anyhow.
*Have you even seen how complicated relationships are? SHEESH!!! Spare me please.
*It says in the Bible that you're better off single than married if you can be that way.
*God is the best boyfriend in the world because He's perfect.
*I feel no pain this way - no yearning, no hurting, nothing bad.
*I've never been happier.
*I get to be strong for myself and I don't have to worry about being too much of a man in a relationship and stealing it from the guy.

That's all for now... I think... I'll edit it if I think of more!!! (below this)

PS - it may seem sometimes that I am longing for a relationship, but it's more like this: I wish that I was much better at memorizing at first glance, but that's just not my blessing, and wanting it isn't going to make me that way. It's been ingrained in me through society since I was born to grow up and get married and that's it. But it's so not true!!! I was born single - why is it that society thinks I cannot survive that way? That something is wrong if I don't have a relationship? Pfftttt... Oh yeah - 'nother reason:

*to prove that society is wrong and I don't need a man to be okay.

(12 Feb)
*I think the biggest reason is to protect me from myself... And I've grown a lot from whence I was before so I'm getting better - hence the happy blogs lately. :-D

(15 Feb)
*I do not deserve a good guy who would fufil all of these things b/c of what kind of person I am when I am in a relationship...

(28 Feb)
*If you get married, then how do you know that you won't meet someone better? You can't meet all 6 Billion people on the planet to know! So how do you know!?
*and If you get married, then what happenes if the person changes? People change - what do you do if the changes (NOT physical) are further than you can handle??? Huh huh huh???

> I figured out the answer to this tonight - that if God is calling you to marry someone, then He will bless it and you just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. If you entered a union w/o Him and find Him on the way, you need to know that He'll honour the convenant that you have entered and never ask you to leave it. He's not a fan of divorce (just check the Bible).

(2 March)
*When I was with Josh, every once in a while I'd go to CPR or a really awesome church service and feel so in love with God that Josh was really pushed aside. I remember asking the question one night "Is it possible to be so in love with Jesus that you cannot love a significant other?" I was told no - His love magnifies our love... But I think that I was right. Because at this moment in time I want God and only God and I honestly don't think that I have the capacity to love a man the way he would want. Ew. HAHA! If I think I might have written something similar above, but I think the memory helps... Paz!

glitter on my doorstep & for fun - of course! & life is wonderful when you're me

three from February 7, 2006

I had a nice dream last night. I dreamt that there was a guy in my life. Like, romantically. I don't know him in real life - I can tell by the feeling of him. I remember it was around this time though that it was occuring - in spite of the warm outdoors - because Josh had just come home from Denmark. Tully was with this guy and I and was worried about Josh. But I told him that it was okay because Josh and I had broken up before he left, so I was free. This guy and I - we were in love. I don't think I've ever felt a feeling like that except in my dreams. It was lovely. But not all gross and sexual or anything. Just - nice.

*Not playing any music b/c I just woke up*

**************

I N T H E L A S T M O N T H H A V E Y O U

4. Had sex: no
5. Bought something: groceries
6. Gotten sick?: I have the immune system of something really strong.
7. Been hugged?: A whole lot!
8. Felt stupid: Mmm... Maybe when I fell up the stairs three times on one try... Athankyou!
9. Talked to an ex: Yeah. I'm still friends with some of those.
10. Missed someone: Can anyone say Ashley Elizabeth Beautiful McCready!?
11. Failed a test: Uhmm *crosses fingers*
12. Ate cereal: mm... Kix
13. Danced crazy: ALL THE TIME!!! ((( usually alone in my room )))
14. Gotten your hair cut?: Soon... *evil look*
15. Lied: accidentally...

U N I Q U E H A B I T S

16. Nervous habits? Trying to stop biting my lip.
17. Are you double jointed?: Oh yeah...
18. Can you roll your tongue?: Every way you'd ever like! I can roll my stomach too...
19. Can you raise one eyebrow? Both at the same time! LOL yeah I can do that - it's like wiggling your ears separatly. :-D
20. Can you cross your eyes?: uh huh
21. Do you make your bed daily?: We'll pretend. I like my nest.
22. Do you think you are unique?: Hehehehe... And then there was that time that I got the "Most Unique" mock senior awards... We all know it's true and it better be!!!

H A V E Y O U E V E R

23. Said "I Love you" and meant it: Yeah I think so.
25. Smoked?: groady...
26. Waited all night for a phone call?: In the past month? No.
27. Snuck out?: Uhmm... Yeah that might have been me.
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: Oh baby man yeah...

M A N N E R S

29. Do you swear?: Heck no!
30. Do you ever spit?: Ew.
31. You cook your own food?: Yeah. I'm po - ketchup soup! jk... maybe...
32. You do your own chores?: What chores? When you have your own house, you need no chores...
33. You like beef jerky?: Yummie man! I almost ate some tonight!
34. You like pepsi or coke?: Neither. Don't drink pop. Bad for you.
35. You're happy with your hair?: Yes and know... Ask me in a week or two when I've done that thing to it...
36. You have a dog?: nope
37. You spend your money wisely?: Do I even spend my money at all?
38. Used the bathroom while on the phone?: Heck! I've taken a shower while talking on the phone!!! LOL
39. When u get bored do you call a friend?: Sometimes - and sometimes I switch phones w/ someone and call their friends instead.
40. Are you patient?: Most of the time.

D O Y O U P R E F E R

41. flowers or angels?: Flowers - if they're not frilly.
42. gray or black?: Black.
43. Color or black and white photos?: Black and White.
44. lust or love?: love
45. sunrise or sunset?: sunrise - everything's starting anew
46. M&Ms or skittles? ((( hard one ))) M&M's are chocolate, but skittles are fruity and give you that smack your lips taste!
47. rap or rock?: Rock and Roll!!!!!!!! (I'm a mosher)
48. staying up late or waking up early? ((( another hard one ))) n/a
49. being hot or cold?: warm snuggly goodness
50. Winter or Fall?: fall happy times
51. left or right? both - I'm ambidextrious.
53. Rain or sunshine?: BOTH!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!! *missing summer*
54. vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: Ew and ew. Chocolate chip cookie dough, rasberry sorbet or mint chocolate chip please!!!


**************


I'm soaring! I'm flying!

Okay I'm back. So today WAS a good day! Who called it!? Yeah, that's right. I finished my painting. ((( see my photos ))) I got to sit next to Mike in art lecture. My Spanish prof got his stick outta his butt and was respectable to me today. I talked to Mrs. Chapman to wish her a happy birthday. Anthropology class was alright. Learned something new about a cactus. Hahaha... Oh, and another cat found me!!! This one is a she and she's just as precious as Sammie - cept Sammie didn't like her LOL. She's twice his size and 1/2 his weight though which is scary and I fed her but she has to stay outside because I can't have two cats. I'ma get her adopted quick though she's such a sweetie. I ate four cookies that I shouldn't have and now I'm thirsty so I think I'ma go get my Brita... :-D Uhhhh... Oh yeah and I fell up the stairs three times on one attepmt. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Whatev I can't think of anything else - I'm leaving. Oh - memory - I was 1 1/2 years old and I was next to the wading pool at a family function and my older cousins were in it and my uncle goes by me and pushes me in... LOL Babies can't swim!!! Oh man... *laughing at self* I'm a dork. Oh, and Chappie (josh) is home and I can't wait to see him!!! YEAH LIFE! YEAH GOD! Paz. <3

PS - I just realized that I so hated being helpless and weak and like a little kitten trying to let my boyfriend take care of me... Maybe that's why I won't be able to have a boyfriend - because I've gotta be strong for myself otherwise I feel so worthless... So much for finding a MAN. LOL!!!

a woman's heart must be so buried in Christ that a man must seek the Lord to find it

February 5, 2006

New memory:
I'm 7 years old? And it's the evening. I'm outside playing with my neighbor, Janine Batchik. She was a few years younger than me, and was able to stay out later because she did not have school. My mom was calling me in and I did not want to go because Janine did not have to go. So mom locks me out of the house. I really am not sure how long I was out there... a 1/2 hour? I walked around trying every door and when I realized that I could not get back in, I sat on the front porch and cried. I don't remember what happened when she let me back in - I only remember up to then.

I guess I get unfairly treated at times. By everyone. At first it was the kids at school who'd pick on me. Now-a-days I guess it's my friends... Some of them. Or just life. If something bad happens, though, I don't go for help. I stay alone and cry and feel helpless. I used to think it was because when I wad depressed, I had no one to go to, so I'm not used to reaching out. But looking at this memory, perhaps it goes further back. I'm not really sure that I have any friends who would come over and take care of me. There was one, Crystal Krawford. She is a blessing in my life - but she has moved to Western.

Am I bugging you? I don't mean to bug you. I'm not usually one to complain - we all know that I'm quite happy with my life. But I suppose some pain has to be sorted through on the path to self-enlightenment. We all know that I've always been one to analyze - expecially myself. But I'm becoming stronger for it. Pain has made me strong, and sometimes I feel like I can withstand anything. Other times I feel I cannot withstand a thing, but that's when my Lord is my strength.


"Love on the part of someone who is happy is the wish to share the suffering of the beloved who is unhappy. Love on the part of someone who is unhappy is to be filled with joy by the mere knowledge that his beloved is happy without sharing in this happiness or even wishing to do so." That which I strive for.
"Pure, unadulterated, and intense love elongates our realm of consciousness. We will be able to see the past, the present, and the future. We will be able to distinguish between "real evils" and "fools". We will be able to prevent the destruction of humanity."
Thankyou to Professor Simone Weil for making available to us such beautiful thoughts... <3

innocence lost again

February 4, 2006

I'm trying on my dress for the Ball... And I feel sad. Not exactly sad - just, longsome. Last time I wore this dress I was innocent... I was sexy and I wanted to allure to the man I loved... Now it is just imagination - I have no one to be sexy for anymore, nor will I ever.

I was listening to some Parent station in Lansing (99.1fm) and Dr. Carlson was talking about how our memories show us who we are today. I have several - two are difinitave to why I'm celebate: The first occurs in kindergarten. Joshua Gambie asked me to marry him when I grow up and I said yes. We were a puppy love couple through second grade... sorta. Kindergarten went on fine, but in first grade he went after another girl instead. It hurt me, and I yelled at him for it. In second grade we were sorta a thing again, but more good friends. Oh! Okay three memories for this... The second was in fifth grade with Travis Otremba... At the beginning of the year he and I both admitted to liking each other and became a schoolground couple. By the middle of the year, however, he'd gone after my friend. At the end of the year everything was a mess, and he sorta apologised but not so much. (sidenote - he's gay now) Lastly, there's that everloving Jerry Jarvis. Now, most of you know that story, but for the benifit of our viewers and future friends who have no idea who Jerry was as of yet - Jerry and I were solid friends in 7th grade. In 8th grade, we ended up a couple. I have no idea how. It's all so vague... But I knew I was happy and I liked him a lot. This was more real than 5th grade and kindergarten... Two months in, his 'popular' friends told him to break up with me and, since he wanted to be cool, he did. Broke my darned heart, he did. I cried a few times. I actually just didn't know what to do with myself, so the only major time I remember crying is at the Farewell Dance. The other time was on the bus after I'd tried to talk to him. I thought I'd never hear from him again. A good friendship was suddenly in shambles. Well, one might say that everything turned out alright, because Sophomore year he started talking to me again and we pretended to try to pick up where we left off. I guess he did a better job of it than I because I was never able to do it. We never went out again. So I guess in the end I broke his damned heart. Once again, a friendship in shambles, and I don't believe that it will ever be recovered. Oh, and of Josh Gambie? I saw him once a few years ago... Yeah...

So my first major experiances with love failed terribly. The only real boyfriends I ever had were long distance, and that can speak for itself. One was hardly ever more than a friendship, but our friendship manages to remain. The other was quite something - and the quite something was what ruined it. Shambles again... Salvage attempts have yet to prove successful. And I thought I'd finnally gotten it right that time... It still fell apart. Nothing is right... Oh, Except for Jordan at the end of my Sophomore year. Jordan Boyajian. Man, oh, man. A large mistake, and yet... Something actually was done right. I defended my heart and convictions and kicked him out of my life and we never spoke again. For once in my life I kicked the guy out for good... forgiving myself was much harder than forgiving him, but with the help of a one Josh Chapman, it was done. So you see, my dears, the first four attempts at any semblance of a relationship failed miserably. Am I over JoshyG? Yeah. Travis? Sure. Puppy love, ya know? Didn't mean a thing. But then I gave my heart... Not sure I'll ever get it back. God has what's left, and there is no more room for a man in my life. So I gave up. I know the unhappiness that awaits me.

So back to the dress... Once upon a time, I was 6 years old, and I prayed that God make me beautiful, for I thought myself to be an ugly child. Once upon a time I was 18 years old, and was still ugly... Once upon a time, I'm 19/21/23 years old... And finally, when someone convinces me that I am beautiful (thanks Josh), I find out there is no such thing as love... I remember just wanting to be a princess when I was little... I had so many dreams... I wanted to be a singer, too. I wanted to save the world... What dream was dashed today? Miss Michigan. Costs money, said my mom, and those girls who will be in it have been doing it all their lives, so I don't stand a chance. Sounds like everything I don't stand a chance for. I was taught to be perfect, and to be normal. Ladies and Gents! Introducing everyone's favourite failure! Veronika Marie Cecilia Kirin!!! (I give her full name so no one will be mistaken.)

Maybe this is why I dance with myself alone in my room...

Wear a mask.
*shape-shifts*

PS - Oh, yeah. Then there's Josh Thomson that I forgot about - he's the one that choked me because I wouldn't go out with him in 7th grade. Irony - 3 Josh's that I've been involved with. I won't explain the irony further than that. So every experiance I've had has either gone badly or ended badly or been ruined in some stupid way. Seriously, I'm almost rethinking having a date to the Ball... ALMOST. More memories tomorrow!

try not to feel...

February 3, 2006

I'm listening to Sigur Ros. (I know there's an accent... they don't work here.)

This beautiful music was introduced to me by a girl named Ashley McCready. This music makes me miss her so very much - almost at the point of tears. It's not just that she is far away... I miss her emails, I miss her voice. "Hoppipolla" sounds like her life... She's so beautiful. She reminds me of everything beautiful. I just want to be part of something beautiful...

*shape-shifts*

shut up & she's like Aslan...

two from February 2, 2006

I felt this song was appropriate in light of recent circumstances...
Simple Plan - shut up
There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you
You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time to criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right
It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today...

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do
You think your special
But I know and I know and I know and we know
That you're not
You're always there to point out my mistakes
And shove them in my face
It's like I'm the one you love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

(Shut up, shut up, shut up)
Is gonna bring me down
(Shut up, shut up, shut up)
You'll never bring me down


Don't tell me who I should be
And don't try to tell me what's right for me
Don't tell me what I should do
I don't want to waste my time
I'll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get up, get up, get up
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down
Shut up,shut up,shut up
You won't bring me down
Bring me down
Shut up,shut up,shut up!



And a little Moby for ya...
"Why does my heart/
feel so bad? /
Why does my soul /
feel so sad? (2x)

These open doors... (4x)"


******************


She cannot be tamed, but she is good...

We made valentines today in my Spanish class. Thought mine was worth sharing:
Antes de que me amazte, estaba feliz. Antes de que me amaste, no tenía ninguna problemas. Para que escape de tú memoria, vivir sin amor...

Translation:
Before you loved me, I was happy. Before you loved me, I had no problems at all. In order to escape from your memory, I will live without love...

It's a huge exaggeration from my past, but it's kinda true in my celebacy...

who controls your mind? & a delecate something

two from February 1, 2006

This is something my professor wrote yesterday on Blackboard:

... Politics is about controlling people's minds. ... The only thing that can prevent one from having his or her mind being enslaved by propaganda is listening to one's heart because our heart doesn't lie. ... Imagine everyone individually refusing to accept the official story fed to him/her. ... Don't even bother criticizing because it is a waste of time.
-Professor Simone Weil

****************

I wrote this on a website several months ago...
"I have something to say: You know how Churchil.... or .... uhmm... Yeah that saying "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"? If you ever get into a relationship and you know that you're in love but you are so terribly afraid of messing it up, or messing up, or just messing up anything, dont be. COMMUNICATE with the other person, and other people. If you know you have a problem, it can be fixed. Nothing is beyond fixing. I promise. That is my note of hope for the day. :-)"

She's One of those Things That is Better to Look at Than to Touch...
Like a delecate rose she must be handeled
not one drop of dew must fall from her petals
Not one petal may touch the ground
she has no thorns for protection /
This lone beauty grows alone
as she has chosen of her own accord
Giving her heart to her creator
instead of another perishible flower /
If you would choose to pick her
I could scarce say what might occur
She might wilt, tears of dew might fall
but she might bloom just the same /
None are more delecate than this rose
none could be more fragile
She protects every part of herself from
those who could destroy her /
Does she know the reasons why;
what storm occured to make her leave?
And could she ever return
to the other flowers' ways? /
Perhaps you shouldn't try at all
don't pick her from her steadfast ground
Do not try to caress those soft petals
you'll only do more harm than good /
Please leave her in her solitude
for like dust, a touch will destroy
Everything she has worked so hard to grow
no hand could possibly satisfy the need /
So she sits in her solitude
in the shade of the breathless trees
Basking in the warmth of the Son
and the rain of her Creator...

Yep, I wrote that. And it's good too! Now who could that be about...? I mean, now what could that be about? er... all of the above...

lovely & one last song

two from January 31, 2006

"Where You End" - Moby
Some things fall apart
Some things makes you whole
Some things that you find
Are beyond your control

I love you and you're beautiful
You write your own songs
What if the right part of leaving
Turned out to be wrong

If I could kiss you now
Oh I'd kiss you now again and again
'Til I don't know where I begin
And where you end

Thought I fell in love the other day
With an old friend of mine
I was running kisses
Down every inch of her spine

We had the roof down
The sun came shining in
The black fact is
That I was thinking of you

If I could kiss you now
Oh I'd kiss you now again and again
'Til I don't know where I begin
And where you end

I slept in the sun the other day
I thought I was fine
Everything seemed perfect
'Til I had you on my mind

I tried to love you
I did all that I could
I wish that the bad now
Had finally turned into good

If I could kiss you now
Oh I'd kiss you now again and again
'Til I don't know where I begin
And where you end

If I could kiss you now
If I could kiss you now
If I could kiss you now

Oh where you end
Is where I begin

Oh where you end
Oh where you end
Oh where you end


So today has been lovely. Hehe... Guess why? Mr. Gentleman asked me to the Presidential Ball! Ha! It was wicked weird too, because I pulled up infront of Mackinac Hall on my bike and as I locked it up I thought "the chances of me seeing him in here are great" because we both do Spanish and it's the language building (among other things). So I walk in the door - he's a foot away from me. Wicked weird!!! I told him that I was just thinking of seeing him there and he's like "Do ya wanna go to the ball with me?" I give him kudos - he wasn't shy. I'm quite surprised that he didn't already have a date, though, because he already knew what he was gonna wear and it sounded like he was going before. And, seriously, where the crap do you find a gentleman like that? I think he had a good daddy or something LOL. It's nice to feel like a lady again. So I'm going! Now I have to import my dress from Novi and we're all good.

One more Moby song: Spiders
We just had to ask
Maybe some one out of heaven
Would hear us down here

We couldn't bear to stand
How the people leave us waiting
For something up there

Oh, why did you leave?
Why won't you come?
And save us again?

Come back to us spiders
Come uncrush my hands
Let peace and beauty reign
And bring us love again, like you can

We just didn't know
Some one there outside of heaven
Heard us down here

We couldn't stand it here
Other people leave us longing
For something up there

Oh, why did you leave?
Why won't you come?
And save us again?

Come back to us spiders
Come uncrush my hand
Let peace and beauty reign
And bring us love again, like you can
[2x]

So much time, we need to ask everything
How did it go, you need it I got it

Come back to us spiders
Come uncrush my hand
Let peace and beauty reign
And bring us love again, like you can
[2x]

So I think the grand total for dreams in Spanish this weekend comes to 5. And last night I had a wicked awesome dream about living in NYC!!!

******************************

Moby - Slipping Away
All that we needed was right
The threshhold is breaking tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and like
I know how it feels to mean it
Oh and we leave here, you'll see

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I need and I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

Hold on to people they're slipping away
[14x]

Just kidding... one more...
Forever - by (duh) Moby (just listen to the whole album Hotel, k?)
Two simple places
We wanted to go
Two simple things
You wanted to know

Everything around
I could not see
I wish I'd known
How much you loved me
Oh,
we could feel this way forever
[2x]

I watched the sun,
cause it touches you while you sleep
You gave me something,
that I wanted to keep

I see you smile you smile like a little child
And hold you crying when it all goes wild

Oh
We could feel this way forever
[6x]

my first ball - an afterthought

January 30, 2006

I just realized that the Presidential Ball is in two weeks and I haven't a date! And I really must go because I didn't go last year and it was a maquerade and I regret it so much. Hmm... Maybe Julie will go with me... What? You thought I'd get a guy to go? Yeah, right. What guy would want to go with a girl who is celebate? Haha. Why break hearts (mine included). We'll see... <3 src="http://x.myspace.com/images/blog/smileys/horny.gif">

un amigo perdió & the end of an era & to compleat the day

three from January 30, 2006

Qué peudes hacer cuando tienes un amigo bueno... No, no es un amigo bueno - nada más. Pero... Un amigo de mucho tiempo, y ahora él tiene una novia que no se gusta a mí­. Y él está piensando que dejarme, y este relacionado. Pero, en realidad, el relacionado es abusivo para mi. Y no puedo dejar. Nunca he pudido dejar. No sé porque. Hay aglo ... con sus maneras, o algo asi. Yo supongo que estoy la una perdi. No importa... El fin es el fin.

**********

i did it...

Voy a esperar a él, pero ... estoy libre! Por fin, va a estar bien en total.

it is not the end ... it is the beginning <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Arcade Fire "Wake Up"

Somethin' filled up
my heart with nothin',
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer to dust.

And children, don't grow up,
our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little god's causin' rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust...
I guess we'll just have to adjust!

With my lightening bolts a glowin'
I can see where I am goin' to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.
You better look out look out below!

Don't grow up - your heart will get torn up, that is all... Stay the child, and you'll remember how to live.

Who's spear are you at the end of?

January 28, 2006

I went to see "The End of the Spear" with JoshyM, his bro Samuel and their friend. I cried - so much. I'm not really sure why. But as an Anthropologist, I was furiated. Those people were nowhere near prepared to go into the rainforest and contact the tribe. Had they at least spoken their language better, the missionaries would not have died. So much miscommunication. And then... (I'll be vulnerable for you guys)... I was angry at God. I'm not really sure why anymore. I think just how do we know that this whiteman religion is correct? I mean, I cannot deny what I have felt in my life so I suppose that it is foolishness to even say such things... It's just... I guess it's the principle of white men going into other countries and saying 'you're wrong'. They don't have that right... When finally the sister went to her tribe and said that their own God had a son and he was speared but he did not spear back so he could save lives... Now that's how it's to be done. If ever. Yeah, by teaching them the ways of who we call Jesus to the tribes, they stopped killing each other... but it failed bitterly when at first the ethnocentric view was tried. *sigh* I understand why so many anthropologists are against religion. I am too... but that doesn't change my faith. I just have to get out of the United States... Keeping citizenship may protect me in someway (for a while maybe), but I can't stand how isolated we have become! Even around our borders... It kills me. It takes away freedom - because our minds are not open. When will humanity ever learn? I daresay never, because by the time we figure it out, we're too old and either dead or not worth listening to anymore; and the trend goes on.

Yo anuncio, mi Dios. Qué más pueden hacer aquí? Nada... Me paresco. Estoy muy frustrado con el situación total. Es así - no estoy por el mundo... Pienso que voy a morir más pronto que tarde... Solamente no estoy por este mundo... Que puedo ayudar personas cuando hay más personas arruinando que estoy edificando? No puedo comprender este mundo... Es injusto - es solamente, completamente injusto. No hay más. No hay nada.

she's gone...

January 28, 2006

Samantha died yesterday morning at 10:45am. ... That's not the way to go - being attacked in your own home. Yet, that is such a stupid thing to say. Anyhoo, I'm watching over my friend right now to make sure he's okay (she was his girlfriend) and it seems like we're getting there. It's so sad. But I guess I can count her lucky that she got to escape from this world sooner than the rest of us.

I have a hunch that I will be dying young. I don't feel like I'm 19 - I feel like I'm 23. Every day I feel as though I've aged a year. When I was 14, I was 13 - I was so young and vulnerable and immature. Then, once I overcame depression, I guess I had to make up for lost time. When I was 17 I felt quite like I was 19. I'm 19 and I feel like 23. Perhaps when I'm actually 23 I'll feel 35... But I can see myself dying at 23. And I'm alright with that. I don't feel as though I'm meant for this world for long. I never got along with it anyhow. I'll do what precious little I can to help others, and then I'll be gone. I can hear that stupid phrase echoing... "She could have accomplished so much if she'd lived longer." What a dumb saying. There was nothing left to accomplish - that's why it was time to die... Unless Satan decided to mess with things. But God makes it work anyhow so we're good.

Sam - que Dios te bendiga en este noche, y por siempre. Tú trabaja está completo... <3

hold my coat

January 26, 2006

Guess what guys! I met my first real live gentleman today! Hahaha... *sigh* that's really sad, too. Men! Get on it! Anyhoo, it was at the Question Mark readthrough which, by the way, was wicked sweet. Ha ha I can't wait. So anyhow, one of my costars (cept he's a permanate star) totally hit it off. He right away sat down and introduced himself and shook my hand then forced a dollar on me to grab a snack (I said no three times - woah! he know's women!) and proceeded to open every single door for me/us (there were other girls one time - but it wasn't just b/c it was convieniant - he leapt forward a few times) and then helped me with my coat at the end. WTFreak!? Haha Every other man out there - to take lessons from him - now! He did swear once or twice, though... But then I was like 'ahhh...' and he was like SORRY! So... Hmm... Very cool. Oh, PS - he speaks spanish! My new friend.

cats, mice, and tripping over football feilds

January 25, 2006

Took Cat to the vet today for a checkup. No ringworm! No heartworm! No kitty lukemia! No kitty AIDS! No rabies!!! He's so yay!!! However, he definatly was abused. There's a pellet in his shoulder (that's what that was)! And he's missing 1/2 of one of his canine teeth. Oh my poor baby! But he's healing up well from the cat fight (lol) he was in. I named him Sam/Sammie. He now has a collar and tags and vaccinations. Oh, and guess what? He has a heart murmer when his rate goes up - just like me! We were both hurt in life, we both have heart murmers, we're both sweeties... Haha we rock. He's perfect. PS - he does not like pills...

I can't remember the rest of my day - Young Life rocks. :-D

Oh, PPS - I cried today. First time in a while. I watched "Maria, Full of Grace" it kinda just brought on the onslaught that I'd been being so strong through. Generally my pains for other people and anger for how this world is treating them, for my friend's girlfriend who was attacked and beat up and in a coma, my other friend that I can't seem to get it right for, yet another friend who swore at me and won't apologise for it... I guess I just became randomly frusterated at everything at once. JoshyD came over though and cheered me and I did the same for him later after Young Life. The world goes round... (thank you ZZ Top for that quote)

Question Mark

January 24, 2006

Alright, so many of you know that I tried out for a TV show in the fall, and got a ghost part in the second episode. No surprise, considering I was a ghost in the movie The Garden of Zieba last year. So I got the script today. 28 pages I have to memorize in a week. Something else I figured out: I'M THE FRIGGEN COSTAR OF THE EPISODE!!! Ya know how most TV shows have a certain person/event as the focus for an expisode. Welcome to me. I'm all over the script. This is insane. So yeah, 28 pages in 7 days *gulp*.... Manamanah.

So I've invented a new sandwich. It's called the Carrot Sandwich, and it's yummie!!! Hot dog bun + your choice salad dressing (I chose ranch) + carrots of your choice (but put lots) + optional cheese (I used motzerella). *I can't spell* ENJOY!!!

when it ends

January 23, 2006

"Let Love Grow" - Paul Colman Trio
You know that you're such a lonely child
Did you ever let me know?
You say our love was an oversight
And now that you're gone you can grow

And there you go

Love is emotion and wanderlust
And feelings too deep for a song
But love is decision and sacrifice
And without them love can't go on

But there you go
There you go

*Bring back the flowers of spring in this heart
Heal up the wounds that have torn us apart
Fall like the rain in the midst of a drought
And wherever you go
Let love grow *

Time to pick up these pieces and start again
And draw a new map of the world
The regeneration of all of creation
Begins with a soul that will turn

So here I go
Here we go

To my cherished ones - don't die like I have. I foster love for others because I cannot find my own. So let it grow... I love you all deeply.

*turning away from the hardest of days into the booming of life again*

I knew you liked stabbing me in the heart with your knife...

January 22, 2006

I wonder if Travis was right... Maybe I am protecting myself from something. I went over my old diaries looking for that romance that I thought I once felt and only saw sin and heartbreak instead. So maybe I'm protecting myself from getting into another impure relationship. I don't think a guy is out there who would keep the boundaries so tight to stay. I'd always have to play hall monitor. Yeah, I just watched another chick flick. "Must Love Dogs" I know their boundaries weren't what I would call pure by any means, but he was nuts about her and was real. About his life. I'm almost inclined to renounce my vow and start blind dating or something. See if any of my friends know any good Christian guys. But I know this will only cause me more heartache because they simply don't exist. Christian guys do - but they're still guys. I don't think I could have "A Walk To Remember" relationship with a post-modern guy. Ya know, keeping even the boundaries in kissing tight. Let alone pysical where-and-when boundaries. So nevermind. Plus, if a guy were going to be some night in shining armour, he'd bash through the celebacy wall on his own and sweep me off my feet. ((( no wonder no guys is good enough )))

PS - My friend called me an a**hole two nights ago. He was serious, and he won't apologise. I guess I screwed myself and now I'm just one of the guys. He knows I hate it when he swears (I say so every time) so I don't know what his deal is. So much for shivalry and my trying to be a lady...

melting hearts breaking & *sigh about a friend*

two from January 21, 2006

I'm so messed up.

*shape-shifting again*

I'm simply bothered about this celebacy thing. I think it was holding my pastors 3 week old baby today. But I'm still going to have children and even if I was going to get married (((stupid))) I would not create new beings when there are so many out there that need a loving home instead. Why do that? Pffttt.

Travis Burgess came to visit me yesterday with Zach Monroe and Mike Brown. Trav and I drove separate because of the ammount of people (more joined) and we began talking about my vow of celebacy. He thinks I'm emotionally stifiling myself and am in denial. He's the first and only person so far who's actually said something contrary to what I'm doing - concerned. I think that's what's messing with me. I should just shut up. I've taken this vow and I'm sticking to it. I cannot imagine a single man who would even try to convince me of otherwise or chase after me thinking I'm worth a relationship. Yet I must remember that I have always been a horrible girlfriend and that I don't even *think* I know a guy... yeah whatever.

*done shifting*

**************

Remember that friend that I felt was lost? And then my friend was found again? Well, the same one was never found. I worry about it. I'm not going to give up - it is because of me that my friend has gone, and I have to try... I suppose I shouldn't be worrying about this, but I saw a photo of us from a while back - we went to a thing together. We both were dressed to kill... In that photo, we looked meant to be. Perfect. The best of friends running deep as the Mariana Trench. Now I feel like we've drifted as far apart as two icebergs - one north and one south. I just keep hoping...

((( Origonal of the Species - U2 )))

rolls and ribs & death

two from January 16, 2006

Chris ate my baby back ribs while I was painting and all that was left were two rolls so I ate those instead. Yep, the end.

*shape shifting again tonight*

((( no music - just a fan and a cat )))


***************

Oh, there's irony. The subject is death and the category - life. HAHAHA.

So, I've written this in my diary tonight and wanted to share. I am living to die. I'm am totally and excitedly prepared for the journey into the realm of the unknown. Call it an adventure. I admit - just as DaVinci claimed on his death bed - that I would feel like so much has been left undone if I were to die tonight; so many people left to save, so much more to create. Then again, if I were to die tonight, then I suppose that everything would have been done that I was to do, because He was calling me home.

A friend of the Chapman family (that would be one of my ex's family's) recently threw himself infront of a semi(?) on the highway and was badly injured. His reason? He wanted a near-death experiance. At first my reaction was 'woah, that's sick and twisted'. But after I thought about it for a day, I realized that I would probably do the same thing! What knowledge to gain! What experiances to learn! Indeed, I AM the one who would like to try an induced coma to see what it was like. ... Hm. End of thoughts for tonight.

*sigh*

January 11, 2006

This is me posting a very general blog. I'm happy to be back at school, and my new house is wicked. I have a beautiful little kitty visiting me and he's probably the best cat ever - he's so well-behaved and loving! He can usually be found curled in my lap or on me when I'm asleep - or he takes over my bed when I'm not around HAHA. Trying to get some matches so I can try out my new incense. Not much else going on here. Oh - well... This may be weird but I'm getting "married" to someone else now. HAHA. First Ashley, now this guy. Longest story of my life - nothing official in real life. Ash's more official in real life than this but it's fun all the same. Uhmm... I have no idea what else. I've just bee discovering friends right and left and have discovered a mentor on this side of the state FINALLY in a former professor. Life is good... Life is very good.

PS - I heard it said today in my Art class that people begin to dress strangly when the rest of their life is in order - like the can take the time and have the stregnth to be different. Dan! You know what I'm talking about! Yep - I've definatly reached that point this year. Never been more okay. Cried just the other day only because I thought my kitty was sick. I'll cry for others but either I've healed or buried things to the point that I can only feel joy. If something is buried... I'll be crying again soon. But I dont think anything can hurt me anymore. Not a one. I feel His perfect protective bubble around me and the most devastating thing could happen and sure, I'd cry, but I'd be okay, too. Meh. We'll see. I have a lot of life to live. And I'm ready for anything. No stone to be left unturned. No idea left unheard of. I want to discover everything so I can experiance everything. And nothing can stop me. Look out world - here I come!!!

(that would be vinal music playing)

innocence lost

January 6, 2006

It's so happy and sunny out!!! And WARM!!! This makes me happy. :-)

People often wonder when sin begins - when a child becomes human and begins to lie and cheat and steal. I've heard that 12 is the golden age of turning, but I dissagree. A study was done on children between the age of three and five. The three year olds couldnt grasp the idea of someone trying to do something mean - like when the teddy bear took the other animal's food. They had no reasoning for it in their minds and when shown this it was almost entirely ignored. But a 5 year old easily understood what was going on and participated fine. I myself can remember lying at an early age to not go to bed or take a bath. My first distinct memory of disobediance is at the age of 7 - I stole my mothers money to take to school to bribe a boy to not tell on me for something I didnt do. I already understood the consequences of my actions and the punishments that followed and wanted to avoid them. My mom found out, however, because what 7 year old has ten dollars at their disposal in cash? I got into trouble all the same. Just a thought...

PS -
Be careful around those closest to you. Your family, if you're close to them, your best friends, your significant other, if you have one. It's 100% easier to hurt those closest to you than any other - even if not meaning to. This is because we take the relationships for granted. Dont do it. Just watch what you do. Yet another reason why it's good that I will never have another boyfriend. *whew*

speeches on U2

January 6, 2006

This next bit was inspired by that photo and a caption from my friend at U2.com saying "This photo reminded me of you - the future is within reach - keep the faith..."

We all know I'm about to kick the world's butt - Starting in March officially by going to the Domincan Republic to rebuild a school from Katrina. Just - about Bono? Yeah, he's my inspiration. But he wasn't the spark that started the flame. That's a long sad story that no one wants to hear so I'm not going to tell it unless spcefically asked. I'd love the opperitunity to sit down with all of them someday - not to get an autograph or talk about the bands perse - but to actually talk to them and know them. Talk to Bono and what drives him and learn from all of them and all they do. Because I think there is a ton of wisdom and insight there. Just listen to the music - the lyrics, the sounds. Listen to how hard Larry rocks those drums, the beats he comes up with, the sounds he discovers in hallways. The slow steady rock hard melody that Adam upholds - ever faithfully even through trouble. Edge - he's definatly from the future. The way he plays, the way he loves his guitar as though it were a woman. And Bono - his singing alone is the scraping of a soul bursting to escape the stupid body that is holding it back. Then the lyrics - the end. It doesnt take a genious to know that something is going on there. And perhaps that, my friends, is why we love them so much. Because we feel it. We understand it. We want to discover it. IT.... it's something that we all have and want and feel and need. The explosion of emotion that society will not allow us to show. The colour in our days that seems to fade as though we were born in the summer and die in the winter. The thing that rages against every silent testimony that could have saved a life. The feeling of tearing when you see that child starving in the street and want to take him home with you. To love and serve and hope and dream... That is why I write letters to U2 regularly. To hope that they recieve even one. To let them know that there are so many hearts out here like this that understand and ring true with every beat and moment in each and every song. And maybe - someday - to get lucky enough that they will take notice to this small hopeful voice that will never ever give up and figure that maybe she is unworthy but interesting enough to meet and share inspiration with. That's what I see in that picture - Johnathan. The example that I follow - grasping hands with total strangers to walk a life of servitude in order to give all I have to those in need because I can find ways to get more, while they cannot. To rage against my earlier years and to prove that people do not have to live like that - in pain, in suffering, in saddness. And as Bono often says - NO MORE!!!

dancing barefoot

January 4, 2006

I danced in the rain today - yep! We're in warm January Michigan with rain!!! So very happy about it too. Not much else to report. Going home soon! Probably not working in Puerto Rico this summer due to the money - I need 9.000 extra dollars to go to Ireland next year and working over the summer int'l wont cut it. Hmm.... *raises eyebrow*

resolutions

January 1, 2006

Happy New Year's to all! If you were at either party that I attended last night, I will be putting together the video I took and sending it out to all of you. :-D

So it was great. I had fun - stayed up until 5:30am which wasnt late considering Liz was up until 10am... What!? I slept in until about 3:30pm which is way lame and I need to get a life - but that's my resolution! To wake up with the dawn. Early to bed early to rise, baby!!!

All in all it was good. Discovered that Hilary Duff isnt as weird as I once suspected and will have to be investigating this more. She was on the Dick whatever show for NYC new year's. Uhmm... PS - can we hold the New Year's part somewhere else next year? Maybe I'll build a ball and have the local news team come over... Yeah, that'll happen.

Love and peace.

la ti da!

December 31, 2005

Another crazy dream for today!!! I had a dream that I was marrying my best friend (yes, female) and I was in this jaunky dress - all frilly and ew - and she got to be in a sleek tux! Not fair! Anyhoo, it was the weirdest dream of my life. My dad was all against it at first saying she was hispanic and he didnt want me marrying a PuertoRiccan (but she's Hungarian...) and then after he was way happy. I dont get my life.


To all my cherished ones who seem to be concerned for me - don't be. I'm fine. Yes; freaked-out, insecure, nervous and emotional. Kidding!!! Here's one for you: C.R.E.A.M: cash rules everything around me. Woooaaahh!!! Yeah I know. What will I come up with next? Nothing, because I didnt think up either of those on my own. Anyhoo - back on subject - I'm all good. I didn't realize my stuff was coming across so dark. I'm just kinda deep and stuff I guess... Pffttt. Maybe it's the subconcious part of me saying "what the crap are you doing!? you need a man to survive! it says it right here in your genes! have you looked at yourself lately? you're itty bitty - you cant take care of yourself! you're not emotionally stable enough!" Well, mr subconcious, here's what I say: Up Yours!!! I need no man. Men-friends are great to have and are definatly more fun, but seriously. Ladies - what society says is wrong. We do not need to have a boyfriend to be alright! We only need Jesus and our friends to support and love us. It's MORE than enough. I promise.


PS - I just shapeshifted again...

(I'm listening to the same thing as yesterday... Yes, I know. But I just got it on vinal and I really liked it - the critics were right for once!)

fear and tears break a heart

December 29, 2005

I had a dream last night that a friend of mine, who would never be right for me in a million years, liked me. It was weird. He was going to wait, for whatever, too, to make me happy. And I felt... safe. So I guess I'm just oddly affected by that. And I'm kind of in the mood for a bowl of Lucky Charms. :-D Oh, well. I'm happy the way I am; celebate, I mean. I just... The piece of heart inside of me really felt good and safe in that dream, which is why a woman wants a man. Just as a man feels the need to protect and care for a woman, a woman hungers for a man to keep her safe. Ah hah! So God did have a plan! I'm kidding... *ahem* maybe.

pain

December 28, 2005

I've torn myself, mangled myself, manipulated myself. I am the ever-changing shape-shifter, and you never know who I'll be next. I've changed who I am so many times - I don't know who I am anymore. I've smashed myself and subdued myself, to protect myself; to fit in... Hello, my name is the shape-shifter. What you see today you may not recognise tomorrow. I am changing right now - and no one can know but me... Here I am, running, jumping, diving off the cliff - and I will piece myself back together in an entirely different way. Yes, I am the shape-shifter... And yes, it does hurt... a little...

bla bla bla

December 27, 2005

Not much to say - so I'll make this quick. I moved into my house today with the help from my three dear friends, Button, Paula and Hippie Dan! 'Cept my new roomate hadn't moved all her stuff outta my room yet. LOL So we just piled everything elsewhere. I'm way excited about it though!!!
PS - I got a digy-vidy cam for Christmas!!! I'm wicked excited because it takes photos too so it's totally perfect for the rest of my life. :-D I got the U2 Vertigo DVD too, the last U2 CD I needed, a pair of earrings and the Pocketbook Guide to the Apocalypse. It's a funny one.
So I can't wait to paint my room and move in and get settled and start a new semester and kick my grades' butt!!! Oh yeah!!! And to see all my dear ones again. You know? I come home all excited to see the few people I have over here, but I definatly have all my most loved ones over on the West side now. We all knew Novi wasnt my place anyhow. G-Rap rocks the house! Eh... Road trip this semester? Hmm...

what is love?

December 22, 2005

Right, then. To all you folks out there that were worried by my last post, everything is fine. I'm not bawling my eyes out because I'm worried I will never get a guy. As if! The truth of the matter is, if you haven't figured it out by now, that I sincerely do not want another boyfriend as long as I shall live. I love my boys, we all know that, but not romantically. There are so many reasons - it ruins so much, a huge hassle, burden, stress, etc. Just not worth it. Besides, society dictates that I am not alright without a boyfriend, so, of course, I'm out to prove them wrong. Jesus and I will be just fine without any other boys trying to rule my life or trying to keep up with me. I honestly don't think there is a male out there - boy or man - who could even dream of keeping up with me, anyhow. Expecially not a boy. Think about it: what man would be willing to follow me across the world three times a year; climb to the highest peak with me (Mt. Everest) or sink to the lowest valley (Mariana Trench); see every single wonder of the world every conceived; visit every country, every famous city, and towns worth mentioning and some which are not according to many? I don't think anyone would. And I know that no relationship cannot take that much time apart. Even if I dont have the money to do all these things as often as I would like, all my time, love, and life will be devoted to the least of these (the poor, the widow, and the orphan), just as Jesus calls. So I suppose I am rather glad that no such gentleman of Pride and Prejudice exists, for I would be in quite the vice. Then again, no I wouldn't. Who would choose a man over ones own dreams? Yet, the heart is deceiving. That is why I have Jesus - I know He will not steer me wrong, and He is, after all, perfect. Besides - I'm a horrid girlfriend who is hard to satisfy, and who should have to deal with that? I'm a true friend, and that being my strength, I shall live as thus. Amen to all my sistas!

men and love

December 20, 2005

My heart hurts... Not really sure why. Maybe it's because I know this:
I just watched Pride and Predjudice with my friend Amanda from work. And it was as it should be. The men coming around properly, the family supporting each other, the daughters obeying their father's wishes, being asked for his daughters' hand after the proposal if she agreed to it... What I know is that men do not exist like that anymore. With post-modern times come post-modernized men who are more into womanizing than being a gentleman; and, of course, women who made men into women so they could be CEO's instead of shy maidens. I'm glad I have some right and say in life, but I think that we need to find our places again - and badly. However, I do not think it will ever be. Almost every man I've met is already ruined. Sexually, substantially or mentally. I'm not perfect, and came close to being ruined myself. Now that I've seen this movie, I now know the reason why I shall never marry concretely - because no man like that exists anymore. <3

I love you.

December 18, 2005

Hey guys! I can now say "I love you" in 8 languages. No one really knows this about me - I'm learning 4 languages right now too. Some are moving slower than others, but yeah. Let's see...

I love you (english), (sign language not displayed), Anatawa daisuki (japanese), Me tumse pyar karti nu (hindi), Ich libe dich (german), *Saya cinta mu (malayse), Te amo (spanish), Je taime (french).

*new

I currently know/learning: English, Spanish, Hindi, Sign Language, Romanian, and Croation. Will be starting French next year. :-D

Paz!

poetry slammin

December 17, 2005

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name. "Tomorrow" I say!

"I will call on Jim Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

I got that from an email from a friend of mine. I thought it was lovely and true, so I put it up. I'm home now. Any of my Novi peeps wanna hang out, just give me a ring. You know what to do. Shine the V-sign in the sky and I'll be there in no time! j/k Unfortunatly, home is not where the heart is. Now, dont get me wrong. I am not hurting over this anymore (not for at least 1/2 year) so dont get all pity-party on me. Just letting you know.

PS - it seems so hard these days to have a deep relationship with people. Everyone seems so surface.agent. Including some of my cherished ones... Pffttt. Maybe it's my imagination.

Who leaves their window open in the winter!? I do!!!