innocence lost again

February 4, 2006

I'm trying on my dress for the Ball... And I feel sad. Not exactly sad - just, longsome. Last time I wore this dress I was innocent... I was sexy and I wanted to allure to the man I loved... Now it is just imagination - I have no one to be sexy for anymore, nor will I ever.

I was listening to some Parent station in Lansing (99.1fm) and Dr. Carlson was talking about how our memories show us who we are today. I have several - two are difinitave to why I'm celebate: The first occurs in kindergarten. Joshua Gambie asked me to marry him when I grow up and I said yes. We were a puppy love couple through second grade... sorta. Kindergarten went on fine, but in first grade he went after another girl instead. It hurt me, and I yelled at him for it. In second grade we were sorta a thing again, but more good friends. Oh! Okay three memories for this... The second was in fifth grade with Travis Otremba... At the beginning of the year he and I both admitted to liking each other and became a schoolground couple. By the middle of the year, however, he'd gone after my friend. At the end of the year everything was a mess, and he sorta apologised but not so much. (sidenote - he's gay now) Lastly, there's that everloving Jerry Jarvis. Now, most of you know that story, but for the benifit of our viewers and future friends who have no idea who Jerry was as of yet - Jerry and I were solid friends in 7th grade. In 8th grade, we ended up a couple. I have no idea how. It's all so vague... But I knew I was happy and I liked him a lot. This was more real than 5th grade and kindergarten... Two months in, his 'popular' friends told him to break up with me and, since he wanted to be cool, he did. Broke my darned heart, he did. I cried a few times. I actually just didn't know what to do with myself, so the only major time I remember crying is at the Farewell Dance. The other time was on the bus after I'd tried to talk to him. I thought I'd never hear from him again. A good friendship was suddenly in shambles. Well, one might say that everything turned out alright, because Sophomore year he started talking to me again and we pretended to try to pick up where we left off. I guess he did a better job of it than I because I was never able to do it. We never went out again. So I guess in the end I broke his damned heart. Once again, a friendship in shambles, and I don't believe that it will ever be recovered. Oh, and of Josh Gambie? I saw him once a few years ago... Yeah...

So my first major experiances with love failed terribly. The only real boyfriends I ever had were long distance, and that can speak for itself. One was hardly ever more than a friendship, but our friendship manages to remain. The other was quite something - and the quite something was what ruined it. Shambles again... Salvage attempts have yet to prove successful. And I thought I'd finnally gotten it right that time... It still fell apart. Nothing is right... Oh, Except for Jordan at the end of my Sophomore year. Jordan Boyajian. Man, oh, man. A large mistake, and yet... Something actually was done right. I defended my heart and convictions and kicked him out of my life and we never spoke again. For once in my life I kicked the guy out for good... forgiving myself was much harder than forgiving him, but with the help of a one Josh Chapman, it was done. So you see, my dears, the first four attempts at any semblance of a relationship failed miserably. Am I over JoshyG? Yeah. Travis? Sure. Puppy love, ya know? Didn't mean a thing. But then I gave my heart... Not sure I'll ever get it back. God has what's left, and there is no more room for a man in my life. So I gave up. I know the unhappiness that awaits me.

So back to the dress... Once upon a time, I was 6 years old, and I prayed that God make me beautiful, for I thought myself to be an ugly child. Once upon a time I was 18 years old, and was still ugly... Once upon a time, I'm 19/21/23 years old... And finally, when someone convinces me that I am beautiful (thanks Josh), I find out there is no such thing as love... I remember just wanting to be a princess when I was little... I had so many dreams... I wanted to be a singer, too. I wanted to save the world... What dream was dashed today? Miss Michigan. Costs money, said my mom, and those girls who will be in it have been doing it all their lives, so I don't stand a chance. Sounds like everything I don't stand a chance for. I was taught to be perfect, and to be normal. Ladies and Gents! Introducing everyone's favourite failure! Veronika Marie Cecilia Kirin!!! (I give her full name so no one will be mistaken.)

Maybe this is why I dance with myself alone in my room...

Wear a mask.
*shape-shifts*

PS - Oh, yeah. Then there's Josh Thomson that I forgot about - he's the one that choked me because I wouldn't go out with him in 7th grade. Irony - 3 Josh's that I've been involved with. I won't explain the irony further than that. So every experiance I've had has either gone badly or ended badly or been ruined in some stupid way. Seriously, I'm almost rethinking having a date to the Ball... ALMOST. More memories tomorrow!