a woman's heart must be so buried in Christ that a man must seek the Lord to find it

February 5, 2006

New memory:
I'm 7 years old? And it's the evening. I'm outside playing with my neighbor, Janine Batchik. She was a few years younger than me, and was able to stay out later because she did not have school. My mom was calling me in and I did not want to go because Janine did not have to go. So mom locks me out of the house. I really am not sure how long I was out there... a 1/2 hour? I walked around trying every door and when I realized that I could not get back in, I sat on the front porch and cried. I don't remember what happened when she let me back in - I only remember up to then.

I guess I get unfairly treated at times. By everyone. At first it was the kids at school who'd pick on me. Now-a-days I guess it's my friends... Some of them. Or just life. If something bad happens, though, I don't go for help. I stay alone and cry and feel helpless. I used to think it was because when I wad depressed, I had no one to go to, so I'm not used to reaching out. But looking at this memory, perhaps it goes further back. I'm not really sure that I have any friends who would come over and take care of me. There was one, Crystal Krawford. She is a blessing in my life - but she has moved to Western.

Am I bugging you? I don't mean to bug you. I'm not usually one to complain - we all know that I'm quite happy with my life. But I suppose some pain has to be sorted through on the path to self-enlightenment. We all know that I've always been one to analyze - expecially myself. But I'm becoming stronger for it. Pain has made me strong, and sometimes I feel like I can withstand anything. Other times I feel I cannot withstand a thing, but that's when my Lord is my strength.


"Love on the part of someone who is happy is the wish to share the suffering of the beloved who is unhappy. Love on the part of someone who is unhappy is to be filled with joy by the mere knowledge that his beloved is happy without sharing in this happiness or even wishing to do so." That which I strive for.
"Pure, unadulterated, and intense love elongates our realm of consciousness. We will be able to see the past, the present, and the future. We will be able to distinguish between "real evils" and "fools". We will be able to prevent the destruction of humanity."
Thankyou to Professor Simone Weil for making available to us such beautiful thoughts... <3