Crash and Burn

by Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

true confessions

swearing
dressing unconservatively
sneaking out
drinking
smoking


Do these things sound like Veronica? No, they really don't. Except... They are. Welcome to me. The one who is trying to kill herself inside - her soul. To run away from God. Not ever have a boyfriend again b/c I will get hurt. The girl who was so in love with Jesus and suddenly hasn't picked up a Bible in 3 months. The one whose grandmothers both died within the same month. The child who just cannot deal...
So everything else must deal for me. I recognise this now. And that is why I am letting everyone know. I am sorry. I need help. And I need people who will stand by me all the way and lift me up in Christ. I shunned all my friends so I would not be let down. I'm such a scared little girl who cannot cry infront of anyone, let alone tell anyone that there is something wrong. Ok?

it hurts

by Angels and Airwaves...

Is this what you want
'Cause everybody acts without a clue
Every little kiss and grin you gave
Was just a little bullshit I saw through

The alcohol I scented with your breath
You're always open up to just be used
I'm waiting for excuses that deceive
I'll meet you in the back to see them through

How did I let (him) inside
We're dripping of sweat, and feeling alright
(His) lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your (boyfriend)

It hurts... [x20]

Are you out of your mind
You dug yourself into a liars hole
You made a little spark to live inside
Its now a fucking fire out of control
When the morning comes youll act surprised
And when the word gets out it will get old
And ever day youll try to live your life
In every little scam that will unfold

How did I let (him) inside
We're dripping of sweat, and feeling alright
(His) lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your (boyfriend)

Dream... you want it
Dream... I want it too
Dream... you want it
Dream... I want it too

How did I let (him) inside
We're dripping of sweat, and feeling alright
(His) lips were the last thing touched tonight
Your best friend is not your (boyfriend)

It hurts [x20]

(Your best friend is not your girlfriend)
It hurts [x6]

falling

...I will become everything I despise...


(((please just let me destroy myself)))

effin' hoosiers!!!

Some a-hole decided to steal my magnetic ribbon offa the back of Isabelle (my car) this evening. It was a wicked sweet one too - it said "Support Rock and Roll" and I got it from NYC. WTF!?!?!?!?

elusive lullabys

(((I wrote this on the 9th of December last year - found it and thought it worthy for here...)))

"Like a catch of much gold I may seem, hmm? WELL - let's see if a man can catch this! Like an enchanged tree goddess or mermaid, I may be seen, but never caught. Just as only certain treasures were only ever able to lure these enticing creatures out of hiding, so I will hide until such a treasure comes along that it can shine in the light of my own ~ my Jesus."

Excellent...

death come quickly

Life is over for me. No more friends. I just want to go to sleep... leave me in peace, you wicked world! You have stolen my two best friends' hearts in a way so I can never get them back. Give me some dignity. Leave me something! Anything! Of course... You'll be so kind as to leave me behind - to leave me alive. Oh, cynical world. Of course you would. A present I do not care for. How every clever you are... Excellent. Take everything I want, leave what I do not. Twisted, twisted, sick sad world. We've been through this years ago... Yet you still don't know? "My business is to die, and thine to kill." I'm done. I've saved none of my friends, but many strangers. I'll take their place - most strangers I meet are nicer than friends, and worthy of life. Let them live, let me die. Float on... drift on... off into space. Into ignorant bliss. Into everything. Into nothing.

say goodnight and go

by Imogen Heap

Say goodnight and go

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Why is it always, always

Goodnight and Go

Goodnight and Go!

the end

Conflicted, I am changing / My world is rearranging / right when I think I have it straight / everything goes crazy.

I'll just go away for a while / rid myself of all that's vile / Someday I'll come back again / but not before this trial.

No tengo el tiempo / veniré con el viento / y hacer esto en un otro día.

***

no puedo hacer nada más con mi vida - con mis amigos
soy hecha
soy hecha con todo - rechazar todo amor, rechazar todo el pasado
todo es demensiado doloroso para mi - miedo

no estás de acuerdo? está bien - no te necessito
quieres salvarme? qué triste - no quiero tu ayuda
que vas a hacer? nada? bueno - yo tambíen
soy hecha
soy hecha

*****

no voy a desarreglar tú vida nada más
tienes tú novia
tengo mi vida
estamos bien
estás libre - corre! corre rapido lejos de mi
y no preocupa nada más

to a friend

Ya know... s**t... Okay. I'm not willing to go through it again. You're happy. I'm beginning to be happy. Obviously you've heard something, 'cause you didn't even notice something was up until now. The last time we talked was February - and that never bothered you? So what. You said it yourself - that someday we'd part ways. It's just time... I miss my old friend. I miss my brother. A ton. I have a lot of brothers, but you're the only one who ever seemed to really stand up for and protect me. But he obviously doesn't exist anymore. I know where I am. I know that I am incapable of ever loving a man again. So I know that you're safe with your girlfriend and that she has nothing to worry about. But I also know that she didn't trust that and that you definatly kept me at more than an arm's legnth away. I have no idea why. But you cannot treat people like that without them leaving. So I left. I never judged you. In fact, I'm more like you than you'd ever believe. I never did anything but love you unconditionally. I've never stopped. But I also stood up one day and said NO. The same as I would never stand that guy Josh Thomson choking me in 7th grade, I won't stand for you cutting me down every time I try to be nice. I don't know if this even makes sense to you, but whatev. Contgrats about Zer0 - I'm proud of you. I hope that you go someday and marry the most beautiful girl in the world and get to spoil her rotten with a beautiful farm and tons of horses just like you've always wanted somewhere outside L.A. while every night you come home the star of the latest movie. I only always wish the best. Yeah, I wish we had gotten the chance to sit down. But it's just too late. It's always too late. OKay? Do you understand? I'm strong enough to leave... My friend explained it to me - that it's like muscle. You work out to tear the muscle, so it grows back stronger. I've been cutting off huge chunks of my heart at a time, and I'm getting much much stronger. I can stand almost anything. Yet I somehow still feel like The Fifth Element where I cannot do it without love... Yet somehow I'm getting strong enough to do even that. If... Oh even if... It'd take a lot. My poor dear lost friend. It'd take a lot, and a new beginning. We're old. Beginnings have ended. Could you do that? Could I? Could I find that piece of my heart and stitch it back on? Is that even possible? Could you understand? Will you understand? Will you even want to try...

suicide

In the process.
I'm in the process of cutting myself.
Cutting myself off from everyone.
From everyone whom I ever knew.
Whom ever hurt me.
Whom ever loved me.

Cut off the arm...






...so it no longer causes pain.




Maybe even God.
God never let me down.
But God loved me.
And that is too much dissapointment for me.
Dissapointment...
Dissapointed that deep relationships no longer exist.
Relationships that I thought existed...
I thought they existed but it turned out a lie.
A lie, time and time again, the possibility failed.
The possibility has turned to zero.
And in zer0 I will live.



Your heart is a muscle - you work it out to tear the muscles...





...so they will grow back stronger - I tear my heart.








I will flee.
Flee from everything that ever hurt.
Hurt me? You will no longer.
No longer be a part of my life.
My life will go on without you.
Without you - why on earth did you do it?
Do it right for everyone else but me.
But me - I'm fine.
Fine - freaked out, insecure, nervous and emotional.
I am beautiful.
I am good.
I live on hope.
<3

Relay for Life

So I did two back-to-back Relay for Life's this weekend right after a full work day. So basically, since Friday morning when I woke up at 11am, I have had approximatly 45 minutes of sleep and that was around 9:30am Saturday. It is now Saturday night, and I'm going to sleep! Church tomorrow! Paz.

From Today's News:

"It follows claims the phone records of tens of millions of Americans are being collected by a US intelligence agency." -BBC

SPYING on Americans? Nooooo - that's not Fascism. That's not communism... No way!


"In his radio address, the president also urged the Senate to approve the nomination quickly, saying Gen Hayden is "supremely qualified" for the job."

Yes - because if they think about it too long, they'll realize what's wrong. A rushed decision was never a good one.

ruttyness

In a rut kinda in a rut rut ruttyness all over the rut not sure about rut's wrong but been in a rut God there's a rut not making rut sense rut rut rut.

modeling!!!

So I went to the agency today and had my photo taken and got measured and everything. This is a huge agency I was actually impressed. Then I interviewed one - on - one and got asked back -- which rocks!!! They casted for Pirates 2 and 3, The Island... What else... And they have a buncha high fasion peeps to for Budwise and Gucci and Parada and people flying to Milan and Paris for shoots and NYC and all this insane stuff. So tomorrow is a really intense interview and if they like me then I'll probably sign on with them and FINALLY be represented again!!! Yes!!!!!!!!! (I don't mind not having an agent, it's just way easier because then you don't have to do all the work. Money out of my pocket, but I have a job now - Clean Water Action - so I can do it.) Peace!

Jerry Jarvis

Not sure this is a good idea... I found this entry in my diary today. From April 16, 2004. We were seniors in high school, and I had broken up with Adam 1 1/2 months earlier. This evening, I had gone to Jerry's house to watch Resident Evil - a movie that was wicked (good and bad). I wrote this:

"I feel dark. Jerry has his life more in order than I. He is who I fight to be. Stable, dependant only on God. He [God] used him [Jerry] for me tonight - to get to me. Jerry knows where he is going and why... What am I doing?"

Fascism Checklist

This is going to make a lot of people mad - but you can see where I am coming from on this one just a little better with this:...

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays. Self explanitory - we've seen it a lot lately.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of need. The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc. Africa? Anyone???

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc. Saddam Hussein and nukes??? Ossama Bin Laden...???

4. Supremacy of the Military Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized. I don't even need to say anything. (note - I am not condeming the soldiers - it is not their fault that they are stuck in a war - your bravery is appreciated)

5. Rampant Sexism The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Divorce, abortion and homosexuality are suppressed and the state is represented as the ultimate guardian of the family institution. Uhmm... Yeah. *cough*gaymarraige*cough*

6. Controlled Mass Media Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common. This has been happening for years.

7. Obsession with National Security Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses. Once again, I don't even need to comment.

8. Religion and Government are Intertwined Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions. Ask most people why they voted for Bush - it's because he's "Christian". Okay.

9. Corporate Power is Protected The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite. Capitalism? Did you know, that the large corporations are so powerful, they are actually richer than Africa and South America??? And 70% of their income is not from the U.S.? Dude, they could definatly buy an army and start something.

10. Labor Power is Suppressed Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed. Not so sure on this one... Unless we're talking immigration labour...

11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts and letters is openly attacked. Haven't seen this much either - unless we're talking insane univeristy prices.

12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations. Those poor poor people who are arrested and held by the FBI without any trial or sentancing. They don't even know why they're there or receive a lawyer! Some have been stuck for 3 years now...

13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders. Haha... Have we talked about the EPA regulations and the gas... And Bush is from Texas and most of his friends are in the petrol business...

14. Fraudulent Elections Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections. *cough*2000elections*cough*

Please, all. I know that a buncha you are going to be a little frusterated and ruffled from this. Hey - I voted for Bush. I'd probably smack my old self, but that's because I have the liberty to hit myself. I wouldn't hit you for it, just explain my reasoning. Anyhoo, if you have already commented on such things to me for a previous blog, please restrain yourself and not do it again. Thanks. <3

an instrumental

Wassabie nuts, everyone?

So today I began to tune up on my instruments. I don't feel like I can honestly say that I can play 5 instruments when I'm so rusty at 4 of them HAHA. So I sat down with them today. I was really impressed at remembering how well taken-care of my clarinet was. That was the hard one physically because my throat and mouth muscles are currently underdeveloped for it. Flute was so easy to jump back in with - I taught myself in the first place so pffttt. Violin is going to be the challenge because it's generally a hard instrument and I do not have the sufficient music to further myself. And the recorder will be on hold because, albeit simple, I do not remember the fingering notes and will have to get a chart. Then it'll be a cool effect peice. Guitar - I rock Sally Mae pretty well so I have nothing to say about that. Still an obsession. Hopefully I'll be wrapping up piano next semester so 6 instruments it will be!!! <3

Global Night Commute

What an incredible night!!!! We walked the 14 miles from GVSU Allendale to Rosa Parks Circle in downtown Grand Rapids. Needless to say, I am VERY sore right now...

So then we got to the circle - and the MidWest team from Invisible Children was there!!!


It was so cool to see them again. They said that since we were one of the cities with the largest numbers, that they were going to take a special video and shots of us.






Can you see me in that last one? I was sitting on a guys shoulders who was sitting on another guys shoulders!!! We were 3-tierd!!! I can't spell that word. Then... We slept...







We arose the next morning and walked home... Just like the children do. Grand Rapids had 1000 people - Washington D.C. had 1300 people. Every state had at least one city. Michigan had 5. Peru. Ireland. Singapore. Canada. New Zeeland. Norway. All these countries participated. Every single one of us wrote letters to our governing officials. In the states, we all wrote letters to a state senator of our choice, and one to the president. President Bush will be receiving 50 THOUSAND letters in the next week. Good morning Mr. President, this is your wake up call. It was incredible, and I hope to go to Uganda someday soon...

about a comment

(this was posted yesterday)
In response to a comment that my friend made about V for Vendetta and Guy Fawks - I am also a fan of Che Guevera. :-D This little revolutionary is budding! PS - what Guy Fawks did was not to create chaos but to make a point that the people should not be afraid of the government, but the government should be afraid of the people. PPS - the US is well on its way to becoming a Facist state so if you like facism, then enjoy.