to a friend

Ya know... s**t... Okay. I'm not willing to go through it again. You're happy. I'm beginning to be happy. Obviously you've heard something, 'cause you didn't even notice something was up until now. The last time we talked was February - and that never bothered you? So what. You said it yourself - that someday we'd part ways. It's just time... I miss my old friend. I miss my brother. A ton. I have a lot of brothers, but you're the only one who ever seemed to really stand up for and protect me. But he obviously doesn't exist anymore. I know where I am. I know that I am incapable of ever loving a man again. So I know that you're safe with your girlfriend and that she has nothing to worry about. But I also know that she didn't trust that and that you definatly kept me at more than an arm's legnth away. I have no idea why. But you cannot treat people like that without them leaving. So I left. I never judged you. In fact, I'm more like you than you'd ever believe. I never did anything but love you unconditionally. I've never stopped. But I also stood up one day and said NO. The same as I would never stand that guy Josh Thomson choking me in 7th grade, I won't stand for you cutting me down every time I try to be nice. I don't know if this even makes sense to you, but whatev. Contgrats about Zer0 - I'm proud of you. I hope that you go someday and marry the most beautiful girl in the world and get to spoil her rotten with a beautiful farm and tons of horses just like you've always wanted somewhere outside L.A. while every night you come home the star of the latest movie. I only always wish the best. Yeah, I wish we had gotten the chance to sit down. But it's just too late. It's always too late. OKay? Do you understand? I'm strong enough to leave... My friend explained it to me - that it's like muscle. You work out to tear the muscle, so it grows back stronger. I've been cutting off huge chunks of my heart at a time, and I'm getting much much stronger. I can stand almost anything. Yet I somehow still feel like The Fifth Element where I cannot do it without love... Yet somehow I'm getting strong enough to do even that. If... Oh even if... It'd take a lot. My poor dear lost friend. It'd take a lot, and a new beginning. We're old. Beginnings have ended. Could you do that? Could I? Could I find that piece of my heart and stitch it back on? Is that even possible? Could you understand? Will you understand? Will you even want to try...