an ending here

So that was my last post for my blogger site - at least for now. I'll probably do another travel blog, or two, under this name. For now, you can find my blogs at http://blog.myspace.com/vllamagirl . :-)

a thank you

fix you by coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from your mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.



I just wanted to thank everyone who loves me for helping to fix me. I'm better, now, and it's been a long journey and a long summer. But all of you have been there for me and stuck by me (even when I was forming some pretty disgusting habits or getting your shirts mascara-y while crying). I cannot even form into words what you all have helped me accomplish, and I can only hope that actions and life can reflect it. This is a birthday with mixed feelings, but I can only say that I am glad to be this far with all of you by my side. Thank you - I love you all, and you know I'm more than willing to always return the favour. <3

slip ups and new finds

http://www.animalshaveproblemstoo.com

That has to be my new favourite web site. I love it!!! (Ashley - you better go._


So yes - here's a "Story of the Day" if I've ever had one. So I'm over my mentor/friends house, Sue, and she goes upstairs to get her kids teeth brushed. I'm sitting at the table with her husband Josh eating cake. She yells down to me "Veronica you don't have to stay down there you can come up if you want." Now, sometimes, as some of you know, I change the sound of the word to make it weird. So I tried to do this with cake - change the long 'a' to a regular one. I call back "No - I'll just chill here with my caak..." which consequently sounded exactly like "cock"..... Josh looked at me and I looked at him and start cracking up as he says "That was akward." I did not even realize it would come out like that... Hahaha. He laughed so hard too. It has to be the most rediculous thing I've ever said. So yes. I'll just chill here with my cock while everybody brushes their teeth... *cough* That's so sad. *laughs*

That's almost as good as my fart story when voting... *sigh*

rubble (turned to a castle)

this was written by a good friend of mine who wishes to stay anonymous, but i felt it deeply and he said i could publish it in my blog - amen!


Silence
These icicles form on this starlit summer night
How does this happen?
When everything feels right
But its over
The last piece of this rubble that tore into my skin
Fighting
Now that I lost I think I could foster a win

Chorus:
I'm letting go
Memories leave me I want you all to know
That I'm done with you
Pain can not reach me
My heart is beyond your grasp
It won't come back
Even if you should ask

What did you think you were saying
So you fell for somebody and [now] won't even say [her] name
I hope you're happy
You were with me
But why does it matter anyway
Because I'm moving on . . . yes moving on yeah

Bridge:
Someday I'll find ... the one for me
We'll dance, sing, be so happy
The beach, sunset and stars, will set our scene
I'll stare into [his] eyes, and [him] back at mine with glee
One day I'll have that one day you'll see

legacy

by nicole nordeman:
how i kinda feel about life


I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all the who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such 'n such...it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an "Atta boy" or "Atta girl"
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
the temporary trappings of this world

Chorus:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon destroy

Chorus

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well done, good and faithful one"

Chorus

a sad realization

My birthday is in 4 days.
And I received a card in the mail from my Godmother.
And I thought to myself 'oh yeah! I get cards and money in the mail right about now!' And then I realized...


I'm not getting one from either of my grandmothers this year...
*cries*












Life is hell.
Friends betray you.
And the good and meek die when they shouldn't.
I'm sick of it all...


I just want to go back to school and be with my brothers and sisters where I know they care about me NO MATTER WHAT. Not if I make it home on time. Not if I don't peirce my nose. Not if I say something wrong. Not if I misunderstand. Nothing. They love me no matter what... I miss them. No. There is nothing left for me in Novi anymore. SCREW Novi - all my life, it has never treated me well. I find two people here that I love and care for that stay original to here - Rich and Emily. Ashley, like I, has sprouted wings and flown away from this awful place. Thank God for her. Otherwise, more than once, I would not still be alive... <3


*sigh* I'll be fine tomorrow. Just wait and see. Forgivness takes away the anger, but only time and God take away the pain...

phenomenon

by tobymac

One Phenomenon, one phenomenon
And it just can't be stopped ya'll

We rock forever, we stop whenever
We rock forever, we stop whenever
We die whenever, we live forever
It's a phenomenon that can't be stopped
Forever, we stop whenever
We rock forever, we stop whenever
We die whenever, we live together
It's a phenomenon that can't be stopped now

Everybody out of the way
It's monumental at the end of the day
So come what may
But it's a wonder that will never fade
A marvel that will tickle the mind
It's unaccountable in actual time
But when we're free
They will see what we were destined to be

Well I'm alive and I'm enjoyin' the ride
But livin' for the moment I die
Cause when I'm done, we will run eternally as one
My soul is up, up and away
My body dead right where it lays
I'm movin' on going gone into the new beyond

This is the drama you've been waiting for
A new dimension that is yours to explore
Such mystery is looming at your door



I thought you'd like this song Rich...  Go find it online it rocks!!!
This is the moment I've been praying for

never again

You'll never know if I die /
You'll never know if I live /
You'll never know where I go /
You'll never hurt me again...

[an original work by me of course]

a real old fart

*laughing*
So I went to vote 10 minutes ago.
I'm a good citizen... or something...
Anyhoo, you fill out the ballot, then the older gentleman sitting there tells you to put it in the machine and you get a sticker and leave.
The lady had voted for two parties and the machine beeped at her. So he gets up to help...



AND FARTS!
AND KEEPS FARTING!
It was like "BRUUUUPPPP... Brruuuupppp... brruuppp..."
And just to finish it off, like an air-ride truck... "ppfffssshhhtttt....." Like a hissing sound!!! He didn't even know!

I know. I'm so mean.
But we all know I love bodily functions. It's been 10 minutes and I've been laughing ever since I got back to my car. It was fabulous! I'd high five the guy if I knew him. *sigh* Yes... Thank you Jesus for old farts.

A LIFE ANEW!!!

So I had my interview with AmeriCorps today.
It was supposed to last an hour.
It lasted an hour and 1/2.
It went wickedly well!!!
I spoke with the deputy director of the sacremento campus.
He said he sees no reason why I shouldn't be accepted.
He'd be glad to have me on his roster.
So this January -
if I dissapear off the face of the map -
that's where I am!
I'll either be in Sacremento,
Denver,
or Perry Point, Maryland.
YAY!!!
Thank you for all your prayers.
Keep praying.
I'll know in 3 weeks for sure...
More or less.
PEACE!!!

security by stacie orrico

*heard this song today and felt it relevant*

Another day all alone again
Someone please love me
Another game; another broken heart
Why do I do this to myself
If I could look can try to find someone
That's won't leave me lonely
But then I found I didn't need to search
Cause You were the one and You carried me
You found for my heart and You have won it
You're taking me over and I like that
I tried other love but couldn't feel it
I'm so glad You found me because

I need You so close to me
(Cause You're the)
Only one that makes my life complete
(And Lord I)
Know it took so long to see that
You're my security
You won't go away from me
(And now I)
Know that I don't ever have to worry
Cause my heart feels so very free
You're my security

You are my security (There's no denying)
You are my security

Another day; here I go again
Drive myself insane
Stop to think; how could I forget
You're with me every single day
(Now I look)
And I see the One
The only one for me
Cause I don't need to search for
A way to try to be more
I have found a love that's so secure
You found for my heart and You have won it
You're taking me over and I like that
I tried other love but couldn't feel it
I'm so glad You found me because
Other relationships confuse me
The thought of Your simple love is crazy
You make me feel like no one has before

I need You so close to me
(Cause You're the)
Only one that makes my life complete
(And Lord I)
Know it took so long to see that
You're my security
You won't go away from me
(And now I)
Know that I don't ever have to worry
Cause my heart feels so very free
You're my security
[repeat]

[RAP]
It's like another dead end, another lost friend
You search for something you just can't mend
With another brother calling you love over supper
Spend a day, take a break, ??
Calling your hand, slips like sand
Stand up another man, all alone again
But with His love I can see, your heart set free
From yesterday's scars to pure security

I need You so close to me
(Cause You're the)
Only one that makes my life complete
(And Lord I)
Know it took so long to see that
You're my security
You won't go away from me
(And now I)
Know that I don't ever have to worry
Cause my heart feels so very free
You're my security
[repeat]

childish awe

Nothing has ever seemed so beautiful to me than the sight of my daughter cousins playing with their friend on the see-saws at the playground. They're so innocent and creative - finding ways for all three of them to work one see-saw. Maybe this is why I yearn to be young again - to be careless and untouched by the ways of this world...

And then they got into a fight and the youngest hid in the woods for a while... Well, not everything can last. What can are the memories of what she said when on that see-saw with her friend: "Slam it mama!" What!? What 6 year old says that!? Or when they wanted to do the spider on the swing - but of course have 3 instead of 2 - and they all pile on and she says "We're the Three Amigos!" Uhhhh... I don't think I'd even heard of that movie at that age. I love them so much and could spend my days with them. But it's nice to come home and crash such as now, and leave their parents to deal with the quarreling of the tired eves.

I know - I KNOW! But my darling friends, we all know that I have no idea if I'll ever get married. I haven't even met the right guy. And that's gotta happen first. THEN I can have children... But the way I'm planning on traveling, it'll be hard. I can hear you ladies saying "but when you meet that man something happens and you want to change your whole world around for him" but I'm saying to you - It'd take a hell of a guy. Expecially since I've done that with past boyfriends (when they were significant enough - NOT with Jordan! EW!). So maybe I'll go on babysitting and raising my family and friends children right, and I'll make my mark that way. ;-) Maybe... <3


At any rate - find the innocence of a child. The outlook of one, too. Even a child sees a soul rather than a scheming human. How beautiful. How free. Even when the world is gone wrong, they find a way to play and to dance and to sing - because they can still fly - they still have wings. Don't lose that. Not ever.
(and then there was that time when I meant to write 1 paragraph and instead I got a fricken article... Ooookkkaaayyy...)

vietnam

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
Ya know ya really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you - til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
Ya know ya really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
Ya know ya really love a woman
When you love a woman you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really - really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?
Just tell me have you ever really,
really, really, ever loved a woman?
-Bryan Adams

I was in JC Penny when I heard this song and it reminded me of my dream last night... Probably because I felt so safe in spite of the situation:
I dreamt that I was in Vietnam during the war (probably because I'm reading a book about it right now), and I got shot in the stomach during a shoot-out. I remember the feeling... It went really deep. I was scared. I walked for a while to get to the helicopter to help me. And I somehow ended up at one of my really good friends houses who conveniently knows a ton about guns and crazy stuff like that. I told him that I wasn't sure if it had hit the artery in my stomach, because if it had, then I would surely die. His mom was there, who's a nurse, and I asked her if she thought it had hit the artery and she said she wasn't sure but probably not. But I was suddenly really cold and couldn't stop shivering. The dream ends with me laying on the couch w/ a buncha blankets over me and my friend laying next to me trying to comfort me and keep me warm... Oh yeah - and another one of my random friends came in and went off on how I get a purple heart. Wow...

la la land

Life is good again.
Things are being sorted out.
Friends are being my friends.
OKAY GOD MOMENT!!! So lately, since life has been stressful, God has totally prompted a ton of my friends to send me messages saying "I love you" and "I miss you". I love it. It's totally lifted me up and I've been telling everyone how wonderful it's been. It's been so incredible. Both Josh's (DeJong and Martonosi) have been calling me and people have been dreaming of me and it's just all so lovely. I feel so lifted up and reassured. God is saying 'it's alright, my child'. And I feel just so much better. Even my little cousins have been saying little things to me. It's wonderful.
So I'm definatly feeling above all this crud and alright with whatever happens. Plus - I have a friend who is seeing some action in a relationship that is back and forth ... similar to one of mine. Haha! School is going to be reassuring and refreshing. I'll miss all my best friends in Novi, but they'll be off living their own lives and it'll be just wonderful for them. I'm excited for all of us and to see us all grow.
My birthday is coming up soon, here. I'll no longer be a teenager and be able to use that as an excuse. To those of you who are older than 19 but under 21, what do you do? Because I can't simply say "I was drunk" - plus that's a lame one. I'm excited, and at the same time, scared. I'll be a full quarter of the way through my life... Hopefully less, but maybe more! If I die at 80 like the predictions say, then 1/4 has gone by and I've done hardly anything productive with my life. I've just spent it in the education system run by the governments. Great. But now I'm free of all that and flying high at school and joining AmeriCorps and feeding the homeless and dancing in God's love, and it's good. So... I have high hopes. One thing I've noticed about myself, though - I'm a thinker, not a doer. And that frightens me. I must be proactive. I am with some things (like petitions or getting salt put down on the sidewalks) but not others (like finding a sweet job or a solid study abroad programme or beginning a non-profit org). *sigh*
Anyhoo, life is shaping up. The little holes in my heart are closing, thanks to some really awesome friends - both guys and girls. Mostly guys. Because they're just awesome like that. They aren't afraid to just say it as it is. And a really close brother of mine - Dan W. - had a good point that hurt like heck (I started crying) but was very true. Hence I started to cry. It's been good. And I thank all of you who have been there for me, sorting all the insanity out.
6 Billion people... Who will I find next?

passionate beauty

So I went to the doctor's today.
This doctor - let me tell you about her. She's probably in her 50's. She looks it, anyhow. She's probably from Russia, or thereabouts, because she has that type of accent, and her voice is that raspy high-pitched type that always sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Usually we don't say much. "Hi, how are you, how's the day..." Etc.
Today I mentioned that I couldn't do a follow-up because I'll be leaving for school, and she asked what I was studying. I told her Anthropology - unsure that she'd know what it is. She asked me if I travel, and I mentioned my trip to the Dominican Republic in March. My goodness...
She began to tell me a story of how her husband wanted to go to Turkey, and she felt like 'who goes to Turkey?' She didn't want to go. So she gives in, and she goes. Her face - it was so beautiful. It lit up with the stories of the underground aquaducts and the marble road where Antony and Cleopatra met and Istanbul and Ephasis where Paul preached. She was so passionate about it.
And she reminded me of me. Come on now - we all know how I get when I am excited about a story. Most of you remember me talking about the Invisible Children or the DR trip. When I begin a story, everyone watches out because I'll either be bouncing around, flailing my arms or walking into walls because I'm too into my story to watch where I'm going. She was like that (except she stayed put). It made me feel good. She said if she ever does anything in her life, she wants to go back there. The water was so clean, the culture was so beautiful, the stories so old. Before Christ!
So next time I get passionate about a story, I'll think of her. I'll remember that she was radiant, and it's okay.

I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph!

"Die - bastard son of Barney!"
*singing* "My stepdad's not mean - he's just adjusting."
"What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough." (dear God I love Robin Williams)
"Are you okay?" "I don't know. I'm kind of fucked up in general, so it's kinda hard to gauge..."
"He's a pillow-biter, you know." "I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders."
"Passionate yet tender. Old-fashioned but experimental."
"I've had firmer handshakes." "Please - It's small but it's fierce!"
"How could you do it with Walley the Whale?!" "There she blows!"
"Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your fucking mother!"
*Sips coffee - grabs lip and spills* "Ow! My balls - they're on FIIIRREEE!!!"
*gets hit by an egg* "I've been shot! I'm bleeding! Somebody touched my ass!!!"
"I always had the hots for you. Wanna see my buggy bumper?"

A little Death to Smoochie ^, + veggie pizza, + cookie dough, + sparkling grape juice, + Rich Tata, + Ashley, and we have the makings of a fabulous night!!! I love Robin Williams. Him or Jim Carey... Perfect.

an honest mistake

haha - so a glitch in the system makes a blog an artform... Okay. Just so everyone knows, that was a pure accident.
So now I'm home from work and about to eat some veggie pizza and raw cookie dough and bubbly grape juice and watch Death to Smoochie. Everything is pretty much resolved... Well... That's not true. But I don't care. Cheers!!!

the end of life as we know it

Remember when I was self-righteous? I don't need you - there are 6 billion other potential friends. I protected myself... Was I right? When will you stop focusing on yourself? Spinning and falling we are again. I should learn. We should learn. Why are you the only one that makes me cry? But I keep trying. Here's a new thought. A different thought. Let's just rewind, unwind, pretend. It's okay. There's better out there. There has to be better out there... I deserve better. At least, I don't think I deserve to feel this way. Let me be the lady. Or let me be free...