houses, souls... bodies are our souls' homes...

December 10, 2005

I got a house. I'm very excited too. It's 3x the size of Campus West and 1/2 the price. $182/month - you cant beat that! Well, I guess you can, but it's hard to around campus. It's beautiful, and I get to paint the walls to my heart's content. And I thought CDub was great because I could nail things into the walls...

Discovering... me. No, not me; the thing that encases me - my body. Dont get dirty, come on now. *sigh* If you've never heard of Ian Morrison, you should. He's a friend first, but he does the most amazing work of music out there. He's in a different class than U2, so they do not compeat, but even so... www.fireandspirit.com Anyhoo - I'm listening to one of his new songs that will be on his third release to tell him what I think as a friend, and it's doing something to me. He sometimes writes about his longing to find HER... Now, I'm in love with Jesus, and I have no qualms about a significant other, but the tone of the song (and maybe my delirium of being deadly tired) is tearing me up inside - like shrapnel through skin. I was posting to a friend and saying that I do not need attention anymore - I need no one anymore. I am perfectly fine on my own, without any love but God's. But as I went on, I realized something... I dont care a lick for myself. Only for others - constantly. I mean, I care about ME, but the body I live in, I press it to the limits. Any normal human being would be in bed by now the way I'm feeling at the moment. When I get too tired I cant breathe and I shake. Welcome. I would put my life on the line for anyone, I dont care. I care about my soul, about joy, about dreaming... my soul is greater than any eagle; the way I fly around the universe - but I'm trying to drag a body behind and I dont like it. So I stay up until unheardof hours (such as 6am) doing as I please until the body decides to put me out of business for a few hours. I fight against it so hard... I'm unstoppable. Pushing, straining, never pausing. I never will. I'll die still going a million miles an hour. And I wouldnt have it any other way... Does that explain further why you can call me at 4:30 in the morning when I'm fast asleep and beg me to come and help and you wouldnt even have to beg - because I'd be there faster than a flash of lightening? *sigh* The brain is fighting me hardcore... I might have to shut down for a few hours... But this body cannot hold me, becase even as it sleeps, I dream and soar anyhow. It never matters... <3>