there's danger in me

Don't fall for me / I'm dangerous / I have problems. /
I might be free, / but don't fall for me.

Many have seen / have thought / have hoped; /
But tamed I won't be / many have seen.

To hold your heart in my hand / to hurt / to make. /
It's not a good plan / to hold your heart in my hand.

Don't fall for me / I'm dangerous / I have problems. /
I might be free, / but don't fall for me.








I am a Spirit that cannot be tamed... but I am good.

i pity the fool

I cried again tonight at Young Life - just fell into Paula's arms and cried. She's like my big sister, ya know? Pleanty of wisdom to go around. I'm just confused. About death. I don't get it. I understand it, I logicate it, I rationalize it, I know where people go and what they do and how the body vs. the mind works... But I don't get it. She helped a little bit. I don't know what triggered me. I was okay. I started writing in my diary... something... and then BOOM... Maybe the wish that someone could be here to help me understand.

That's the thing about Paula, though. She doesn't pity you. She helps, she comforts, she understands, but she doesn't pity. That's the thing you all are going to have to understand about me. Chad asked why I won't talk about it - I write it in my blogs just fine. That's why; because in real life, I get pity. And I don't want it! I am quite possibly the strongest woman on the face of the earth... Okay, in the middle to upper class United States. I have gone through mierda (a little french spoken in spanish instead of english), and come out stronger than a lion. I have a heart of stone and nerves of steel. I feel for others - I don't need to feel for myself. I don't need to cry in front of anyone. That cry I had yesterday: no one had to know about it. Just God and I - and I would have been fine. I can hold back and ignore and pretend like nobody's business. You get good at it when you're forced to talk if you give the hint of hurt. I'm the best at lying and saying I'm fine. Self-righteous? No - self-supportive. That's what I am. Why? Because I don't know that I will ever find a man who will be able to let me be the child I strive to be. Because I am about to enter a life where pain and suffering is everyday and I will be the one who will carry their burdens. Because I have to. Because I must never feel weak again. Paula didn't make me feel weak - she made me feel okay. Normal. But I definatly feel like I've greived too much over my grandmother. She was awesome - but the whole thing scared me more than anything. I need closure. I'd like to drive to her grave for the Day of the Dead. But that's not the issue. The point I'm making is that I don't need anyone's help, so if you are offering it, don't offer it as though you're my only hope. If I need someone, I'll either ask or make it fairly obvious that you're needed. Usually God'll kick me in the butt and then I'll do it, but I will do it. I have learned how to be strong for everyone else. I am well taken care of by God, and I am prepared to live the rest of my life with only God to travel with and to take care of me. Understand?

Currently listening: Grace Like Rain By Todd Agnew Release d

the first day of life

This all occured yesterday: March 28th, 2006...

"my depth perception must be off again"
So I guess that every theory is disproved. Celibacy was for my protection. I am grown enough now to know that I want to be single for a very long time. I will know when it is time for be to not be single, if ever, but I don't need to tell myself I am celibate in order to stop my fleeting self. Will I ever get married? I have no idea. God will fix it if I do.

I am 19 years, 7 months, 11 days, 19 hours and 45 minutes old. I am not 20 or 22 or 15. This is the year that I have to be older than 19, but younger than 20 - and I have missed most of it. I have filled my last teenage year with thoughts of being un-teenage.

I am so mortal. I was ready for death, and then death happened. Now I am so very sick of death. It keeps happening, and I... *takes a moment of tears*

"an hour later"
(((still sniffling)))
Is it possible to die from crying?
Is it possible to never be able to stop crying?
Cried to dizziness.
Cried to no more tears were present.
Cried to my eyes hurting.
I'm scared.
I'm not okay... maybe for the first time, that's okay...
They're all going to die - I can't handle this.
What if I die today? Who will take care of the children? Who will help?
I am not strong.
I am so good with everyone else's problems; not my own.
STOP PITYING ME!!!
*gets a popsicle and nobake cookies b/c I dont have cookie dough*

"the heart of another"
So I'm all sniffly and eating a ton of no-bake cookies and realize I'm out of water so I trudge downstairs wrapped in my grandmother's blanket around 4:15pm and as I reach for the fridge I see a random burger king bag with a happy face on it on the counter that wasn't there before so I go over and there's a note and I think 'aww Hill must have brought Thresea food' but then I see that there really is V on the note and I'm thinking 'what? no one cares about me' (i know people care I just meant no one that I could think of would leave me random food) so I read the note and Chad had come back and left me a double cheeseburger and 2 fry packs after class... I just hope he didn't walk in and hear me bawling because I'm pretty sure that I sounded disgraceful. At any rate the kindness of a friend made me start crying again - but sometimes that's okay. Thanks buddy. I think I'm going to go burn stuff...

"on the other side"
So I cried for a solid hour. That was probably the hardest cry I've had since being depressed five years ago. Chad said he didn't hear me and I think God because I probably sounded like a dying horse or something strange... Maybe a goat giving birth? But I'm really not done yet. I feel more in there - it's just small. I don't even know how I stopped. I thought I never would. But I guess that's how it always feels. It's 10:30pm now and I'm about to crash. I'm wicked tired and I'm so refreshed I know I'm about to have one of the best sleeps in a long time... *sigh* No more cookies for me. I'm going to get fat. HAHA I know... my love to all <3

can i leave it up to you?

it was a bad ending to the first day of spring
i dont wanna talk about it
a word from the bravery:
Carry me home, put me to bed!Leave me alone, it's all in my head!It's out of my hands, over the wheelMy only chance, my only appealWhat if you're here to save me from this?If I disappear will I be missed?I never know what I should doCan I leave it up to you?
Currently listening: The Bravery By The Bravery Release

lying asleep as if I were awake

today was very sad - that's all I have to say
thank God that I was strong - to show weakness worse it would have made
I'm so tired - was she tired?
maybe my eyes will explode - God take me higher
Don't move
Don't talk out of time
Don't think
Don't worry
Everything's just fine
Just fine
Don't grab
Don't clutch
Don't hope for too much
Don't breathe
Don't achieve
Or grieve without leave
Don't check
Just balance on the fence
Don't answer
Don't ask
Don't try and make sense
Don't whisper
Don't talk
Don't run if you can walk
Don't cheat, compete
Don't miss the one beat
Don't travel by train
Don't eat
Don't spill
Don't piss in the drain
Don't make a will
Don't fill out any forms
Don't compensate
Don't cower
Don't crawl
Don't come around late
Don't hover at the gate
Don't take it on board
Don't fall on your sword
Just play another chord
If you feel you're getting bored
I feel numb
I feel numb
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
Don't change your brand Gimme what you got
Don't listen to the band
Don't gape Gimme what I don't get
Don't ape
Don't change your shape Gimme some more
Have another grape
Too much is not enough
I feel numb
I feel numb
Gimme some more
A piece of me, baby
I feel numb
Don't plead
Don't bridle
Don't shackle
Don't grind Gimme some more
Don't curve
Don't swerve I feel numb
Lie, die, serve Gimme some more
Don't theorize, realise, polarise I feel numb
Chance, dance,dismiss, apologise Gimme what you got
Gimme what I don't get
Gimme what you got
Too much is not enough
Don't spy I feel numb
Don't lie
Don't try
Imply
Detain
Explain
Start again I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't triumph
Don't coax
Don't cling
Don't hoax
Don't freak
Peak
Don't leak
Don't speak I feel numb
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
Don't struggle
Don't jerk
Don't collar
Don't work
Don't wish
Don't fish
Don't teach
Don't reach
I feel numb
Don't borrow Too much is not enough
Don't break I feel numb
Don't fence
Don't steal
Don't pass
Don't press
Don't try
Don't feel
Gimme some more
Don't touch I feel numb
Don't dive
Don't suffer
Don't rhyme
Don't fantasize
Don't rise
Don't lie
I feel numb
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest
Don't project
Don't connect
Protect I feel numb
Don't expect
Suggest
I feel numb
thanks U2

Currently listening: Thank U By Alanis Morissette Release date: By 03 November, 1

I got another acting job!!!

So the guy who wrote and produced Question Mark sent me a message saying that he has another script for me and thinks I'd be absolutely perfect for it - and I'd be able to be alive this time!!! YAY!!! So life is good... (from March 14th, 2005)

love is spiders on the edge and we're hanging by a thread

Hey guys.
I'm holding up alright as far as my grandmother goes.
I keep having a ton of dreams about Jerry... It's wicked strange.
I've received an email from Valentin!!! Yes, big crush here. But even though he's 26 years old, he's actually an improvement from my 27 year old crush a while back HAHA. I'll probably be over it in a bit... It just kinda sucks because I think he likes me back. He called me muñequita or little doll... And I called him buscapleto or troublemaker! Hehe... *ahem* Anyhoo he already asked right away for a photo of me and hoping to see me again soon. Yay! I can't wait to go to school there.
Yes, folks, I'm seriously planning on going to school in the DR. The pastor we were helping totally said that I could live with them if I wanted to go to school there. Yay!!!
So I've begun my fast today... I think God was trying to get me to jumpstart b/c my tummy hasn't been friendly these past few days anyhow. Darn american food. Oh well.
Class canceled today. Time to unpack and reorganize and figure out some things with my grandmothers things...
Paz out.
PS - my anonymous friend wrote a pretty good letter about not being celebate... and i have this ginormic crush on Valen... friggen dang it why is life so complicated!!! (it's just all temptation though and i'll be good in a day or two)

ex's, saddness and anomalies

You Are A Guilty Ex

You weren't the greatest to your ex, and you admit it. And now your remorse is keeping you up at night... While feeling a little remorse is good, your guilt is preventing you from moving on

What Type of Ex Are You?

Hehe ^ that's funny. And too true.


So I just got back from the Dominican Republic and am raising 500 pairs of shoes (preferably childs sandals) to send down. What a trip. I'm almost 100% sure of going to school there next year. w00t


My grandmother died last night... Prayers prayers. I'll be skipping class on Thursday to go with the fam to PA for the funeral and stuff.


School is over my head!!! 6 hard classes - pray for that too.

failure

I just got back my PolySci exam... *sob* I got a B on the essay part but a 32% on the multiple choice. It's one thing to get a 65% on your Spanish exam - Spanish being your obsession - but holding the professor to blame who doesn't like you anyhow (even though I could have taught myself more), but it's another to have your favourite class turn out this way when she's also your favourite professor. She holds me to high standards. I know she can see some sort of reflection of herself in me, me being a Christian Hippie Radical - she just being a Hippie Radical... but I'm a failure at one of my favourite things - LEARNING. I'm sorry Ashley. I thought you might set the bar and I could apire to it. If you can do it, then why can't I? So I'm sitting here whimpering like a 5 year old with a broken doll. She said to me "Veronica, you know how I feel about you, but this is just unacceptable." I've spread myself too thin, or something. SOMETHING... I'm such a failure...

And then when all I want to do is go climb my tree and cry more or find some bottles and throw them at the side of the house, I have to come home instead and write a friggen 4 page paper that refuses to be longer than 2... I hate myself... It's a good thing I'm leaving the country...

(listening to K-Pax... I want my best friend...)

untitled

NEW BACHELOUR TO THE RAPTURE ADDITION