i pity the fool

I cried again tonight at Young Life - just fell into Paula's arms and cried. She's like my big sister, ya know? Pleanty of wisdom to go around. I'm just confused. About death. I don't get it. I understand it, I logicate it, I rationalize it, I know where people go and what they do and how the body vs. the mind works... But I don't get it. She helped a little bit. I don't know what triggered me. I was okay. I started writing in my diary... something... and then BOOM... Maybe the wish that someone could be here to help me understand.

That's the thing about Paula, though. She doesn't pity you. She helps, she comforts, she understands, but she doesn't pity. That's the thing you all are going to have to understand about me. Chad asked why I won't talk about it - I write it in my blogs just fine. That's why; because in real life, I get pity. And I don't want it! I am quite possibly the strongest woman on the face of the earth... Okay, in the middle to upper class United States. I have gone through mierda (a little french spoken in spanish instead of english), and come out stronger than a lion. I have a heart of stone and nerves of steel. I feel for others - I don't need to feel for myself. I don't need to cry in front of anyone. That cry I had yesterday: no one had to know about it. Just God and I - and I would have been fine. I can hold back and ignore and pretend like nobody's business. You get good at it when you're forced to talk if you give the hint of hurt. I'm the best at lying and saying I'm fine. Self-righteous? No - self-supportive. That's what I am. Why? Because I don't know that I will ever find a man who will be able to let me be the child I strive to be. Because I am about to enter a life where pain and suffering is everyday and I will be the one who will carry their burdens. Because I have to. Because I must never feel weak again. Paula didn't make me feel weak - she made me feel okay. Normal. But I definatly feel like I've greived too much over my grandmother. She was awesome - but the whole thing scared me more than anything. I need closure. I'd like to drive to her grave for the Day of the Dead. But that's not the issue. The point I'm making is that I don't need anyone's help, so if you are offering it, don't offer it as though you're my only hope. If I need someone, I'll either ask or make it fairly obvious that you're needed. Usually God'll kick me in the butt and then I'll do it, but I will do it. I have learned how to be strong for everyone else. I am well taken care of by God, and I am prepared to live the rest of my life with only God to travel with and to take care of me. Understand?

Currently listening: Grace Like Rain By Todd Agnew Release d