love and death

Love:
I was driving home on Monday from my Aunts' house from babysitting, and was detouring to my bank to pop in the cheque I got. I mindlessly took the wrong turn, however. I was pretty frusterated for the first few minutes because I had to drive all the way around West Oaks in order to turn around, and catch a red light. 5 minutes out of my way. But half way through I figured that perhaps God would use my mindless turn or something. So I get to the bank and do my deal at 4:53pm. Just in time! Walking out, it was 5:02, and they were closed. A lady was walking in but was not let in because it was after hours. She got kinda mad, and actually flipped off the woman. She'd driven all the way from the 8 Mile and Haggarty bank and couldn't find it there. I told her where it was for future referance, then asked if she could use the ATM to put her things in. She said it was stolen a year ago and she never got a new one. She said she didn't know where the one next to Farmer Jack was because it was open until 8pm. I didn't know where she meant at first, because the one on 10 Mile doesn't have our bank near it. But she told me it said near Commerce. I knew right where that was and even had a map to get there! (For some reason I've been saving all the directions to everywhere I've ever made... We just found out why.) It's my aunts area so I knew how to tell her to go and showed her. I told her traffic would be bad but she could do it, and gave her the map. VoÃla! If I'd made the correct turn, I would have missed her compleatly. (PS - she said sorry for the bird)

Death:
One of my dads bestest friends died yesterday of a heart attack - he's my dad's age, and they even went to school together. There's a group of 'em that went to school together that are still tight now, and he's one of them. His name was John Snyder. I feel so badly... And I'm worried for my dad. His mother just died and now John. They were just fishing together, he my dad and my brother, just a week and 1/2 ago! It's just so weird. If you all could hit up a prayer for my dad, that'd be great. I don't want him to be attacked...

God gifts

Alright, alright. So I've been mostly writing about the stuff that's been hard lately. But everything has been on the up-and-up like nobody's business. So I thought that I should return to some of the good stuff. In order to display how I have been healing and growing, I thought it'd show a good example to tell about the gifts that God has been giving me.

Last Thursday (not three days ago):
All that afternoon I kept feeling like I ought to go to the library. But - DUDE - I was in the middle of an excellent book and one on deck. So I didn't need any libary. I was driving home from work on I-275, and instead of taking the 8 Mile exit, I decided to get onto M-5 and take Grand River. It was a sort of whim thing. Grand River merges with 10 Mile, which is my street, so I took that right away for a straight shot home. Consequently, the library is on 10 Mile. As I drew nearer, the feeling got stronger. But I finally yelled "I don't need to go to the library I'm in the middle of a great book!" But, of course, the light turned red right in front of the driveway. And I got to thinking - What if there's going to be an accident up ahead and I need to not be a part of it? So I moan a 'fine' and pull into the parking lot. Then, as I park, I wonder if I needed to take the spot for someone else. Something obscure that I'd never find out. So I shrug and get out of the car, and walk in. As I enter, I ask 'now what' and I feel called into the little room where the used books are sold. Okay... All the way back to the end. Okay... Look down. Oh my gosh! There, on the bottom shelf, were two childrens books in SPANISH!!! Yay! I bought them both for a buck. I had been meaning to rent some kids books in Spanish but never had the time. Yay for God!

Today:
I was at Justin's grad party (across the street) and it was 7 o'clock on the money. I was bored since I don't know anyone at NHS anymore, and decided to say I was going to church and left. As I walked home, however, I didn't feel much like going to the college meeting at NorthRidge. I felt like staying home and reading the fabulous book I'm in the middle of. Yet, I still found myself in my car. The talk was great - it was about how our faith is about DOING, not just believing. Anyone can believe - even Satan believes. But demonstrating our love - because the NT talks more about do this and do that instead of don't do this and that... Then we had worship. The second-to-last song I recognised - I'd never heard it before in the United States, but it was one of the songs we sang in the Dominican Repbulic! The second I realized it I began to laugh and dance. God is hilarious and I love the little things He does for me. I tried to remember it in Spanish. How lovely it was. After everything was over, I was visiting with some of the people that I'd met, and I turn around. This girl is standing infront of me and I totally recognised her but could not figure it out because her hair was different. It was Karen who worked at Emagine with me! Immediatly she's telling me about how she's going to Mexico soon, and needs to speak more Spanish. AN ANSWERED PRAYER! I had prayed in the shower earlier that I was worried about losing my Spanish because I didn't have many people to talk to and I am about to learn French. How wicked cool!!! Then, this is sorta a random present but more like just fun - I met a guy named Josh who's all over Homestar Runner so we quoted for the whole of our conversation. Then I quoted a scene for Karen and I swear she was going to die of laughter. How lovely.

Yeah... It just gets better and better.
I also thank God for Ashley, for being my strength and my teacher.
And Jerry - because he's definatly been a brother and protector for me lately.

spotless

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in the dark

Can you hear me whisper your name?

maiwaige is the bwessing

If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?

But would you ask me to marry you...?

it's ok to have a crush

it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / I learned the lesson that I have many good friends - I pushed them away now I'm letting them back in; a new lesson is being wraut / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it's okay to have a crush / it does not make me foolish / it does not make me weak / it does not make me immature / it's okay to have a crush - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay - it's okay / it's okay to have a crush



LOVE





IS





NORMAL





LOVE




IS





GOOD




it's okay - (((i'm so scared)))

just hold on - i'm here

Tonight is one of those nights that I really wanted to go and find my ciggaretts and take a nice long walk with long drags and cry to my heart's content.

However - un/fortunatly, I quit. Thus, I could not do what I wished. I did cry. Then I went to Ashley's for a few and vented to her. I hate it. I feel so dang dumb. I'm trying, though, to keep that promise. I really really am trying.

"If only you'll hold on - just hold on;
I'm here and I'm with you -
I'm here too. I feel you,
We'll get through.
I know this - I've seen it
A hundred times, a thousand times.
Just one more time
With you and I;  I'll pull you close
And then we'll say good bye. "

(Thanks Angels and Airwaves, once again.)

heart death

So no one's heart is dying.
This is interesting though.
I was going through my old diary because I am looking for something else, and I came across the physical I had my Sophomore year in High School so I could do sports. I had to get a EKG done because of my crazy heart palpitations and such. I rememberd them doing that, but I didn't remember that there was an actual diagnosis. But apparently there was - I found it a few pages down. It's called SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardium. It's where the electrical signals to your heart kinda get messed up so it flutters every once in a while. But check this - there's a version that can be caused by PNEUMONIA. Does anyone remember when I was a Freshman in high school and had pneumonia for 2 weeks? Hahaha that was sweet. So that all totally makes sense. Plus it can be slightly genetic and my dad has something similar. Symptoms that I definatly experiance are fainting, dizzyness, shortness of breath, chest pains and feeling fluttering. They say (which is what they tell me and my dad) to stay away from coffee, chocolate, alcohal, drugs, and oh! smoking! Great. Good idea Veronica. Basically, stimulants. So God probably reminded me of another reason to not do junk like that. Haha. Peace.

the last post

The previous song is about three people that are/were in my life. They're the three people that are/were closest to me. Find your role...

hate me

by Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I dont lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that Im alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

Im sober now for 3 whole months its one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I wont touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So Ill drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didnt do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling Make it go away!
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered How can you do this to me?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didnt do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you


Still on that path of destruction that I was on before the cigs and the swearing... but trying oh so hard to get better... It's so hard...