ow...

one small misunderstanding can cause a hell of a lot of trouble

death blooms

"Little sister, the night broke. The thunder cracked my brain finally. The rain is coming, I promise you. I didn't mean to but your tears will bring life back. Purlple flowers grow, the colour blood looks in veins. They'll sprout out of my chest. I promise you they'll crack the ground, grow over the freeways, down the slopes to the sea. I'll be in their faces. I'll be in the waves, coming down on you from the sky. I'll be inside the one who holds you... And then I won't be."
-Francesca Lia Block

suicide notes

"I thought sacrifice might mean something. The wounds throb even though they're not real yet. Would you reach inside them to uncover the secret? You try to tell me but your tounge feels severed."
"I thought it was weird you were talking about that but you liked to talk about death. You said our society needed to talk more about it and not be so uptight - death was just another phase and maybe a better one."
- Francesca Lia Block

She's one of my favourite authors. She's amazing, no?

sickness

Well, the point of that blog was not to get complements on my apparent awesome body but hey - whatev.
Today is my cousins wedding. I had'nt slept much in the past few days so I went to bed at 9pm and just woke up at 9:30am. And I'm sicker than a dog. Oh my gosh. Hopefully it's just morning stuff, you know? Because I couldn't even talk at first. Thermomiter in mouth... (yesterday I had only a 1 degree temp...) Whoops! It went up another degree. My normal is 97.6. It's 99. Yum. Peace yáll! You've been good to me! :-p *cough*

and suddenly, you die alone

Angels and Airwaves
"The Gift"


There's a strangest excitement today
If you're awake then you're welcome to hear
I've got a gift and it blew me away
From the far eastern sea straight to here

Oh God I feel like I'm in for it now
Its like the rush has gone straight to my brain
But my voice is as lonely as loud
As I whisper a joy of this pain

And suddenly
Youve done it all
You won me over
In no time at all

And now I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

If you ask I will do what you say
All we have is this night to get through
With the cheeks to the smile you're only
You left me all up in arms and confused

Oh God I feel like I'm in for it now
And how this kiss will be one roughly vague
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
But then I'll ask you to do it again, and again

And suddenly
You've done it all
You won me over
In no time at all

And now I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now

And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear.

Make the world we know disappear.
Make the world we know disappear.

Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now
Oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, now

there goes a lung

Oh my gosh!!!!!
I'm so sick of this chest cold. It seriously gets worse every day.
Before it was just a friendly tickle. Last night it was intermenent but when it came I had to cough for a long time. Today it's turning into a woofing (what?) cough and it sounds really abrasive - CEPT I CAN'T GET ANYTHING OUT!!! I have no appetite and my ears feel funny now too like a backward sinus infection.

The pros: I'm totally going to have a hot bod after this. My abs are gonna be sweet and I'm going to be skinny as hell because I can't eat anything. Hahaha!!!!

destiny

There are some people who just know what they're going to do. They know a certain part of their lives that must be, and know it will follow through. It is so exciting to know ones' destiny - so exciting, that sometimes, one will try to have his destiny before his time. Then what happens? That moment, that feeling - it's perfect. Just like he'd thought. But it wasn't time. Life becomes wrinkled. Is it possible to rewind? To taste the fruit, realize what is in store, and put it back for another day? Perhaps not. For once the fruit is tasted, one will only want it more, until his desire is unsatiable and he must have it again. The only question is; how long can he wait? ... <3

leaving me alone

if you don't hang out with me / i won't eat your face -
but that also makes me / easy to ignore ...

news and boys

I just wrote a wicked long poem - holy crap!
Went to the zoo with Jerry. Fun times.
My dear friends... My two best friends are missing!
One is hurt... The other is just plain gone. Haha. Dang.
Church time was fun. Hilarious, really. Those guys are wicked.
Bonfire - cool.
Oh oh! Jerry taught me to drive a stick! Thank-you, come again. :-)
And I didn't break his car.

That is the end of the evening beat.
*end transmission*

the evil within

what comes out of me
is deep
dark
and evil


it alows the good
to stay within

the things so beautiful

Love, you shine like a virgin star falling from the sky... tonight.

additional thoughts

A) When I was in my car for the last time, hoping and praying that I'd make it to the Minake, I was wishing that I had someone in the car with me to tell me it was alright and be strong for me. Then I realized... DUH! I'd just prayed angels all over my car and THEY were with me! So I felt way better.

B) Before I knew the price of the fix, I prayed last night about the money, asking Jesus to please not let it be too much. Then I realized - wasn't He teaching me about poverty and humbleness? He brought me to be poor last semester; barely scraping by. And here I am again. Being reminded me of my lesson, and learning that I don't need any luxuries. If I don't have a key faab to unlock my doors, I have a key to do it - so save the 60 bucks. I have a computer... It's kinda jaunky, but I don't need a new iBook. So don't buy one. See?

car update

No - the freon that I bought for the AC did not kill me.
So I got the call today. The heater core blew out. Yum. And I might as well get the hole in my muffler fixed, too. A lovely grand total of $670.00... Which, consequently is all I have in my bank account. So, people - the moral of this story is, work hard during the summer, and give your hard-earned money to someone else for them to use istead. Yay. I'll get Isabelle back tomorrow. *sigh*

On a lighter note - I don't have to pay for the gas to drive a 1/2 hour one way to work on Thursday or Friday. :-)

Just for you, Rich: gawl.

i think i'm dying

Okay - not really... probably. Maybe a buncha brain damage though. Why? Oh ho ho...

So I'm driving back from my uncle's house in West Bloomfield, and had gone about 5 miles. I'd called Jerry because I was going to go straight with him to his birthday present. *wink* So we're set. The windows are down because my air conditioning was acting jaunky again, and I smell a funk - kinda a sweet burny smell. I figured there was a truck I'd just passed or something like that - so I look in my mirrors to check it out. Okay, but THERE'S SMOKE COMING OUT OF MY A.C. VENTS!!! Pretty much - oh shiz. So I pull over IMMEDIATLY on the apron of a lovely subdivision (kinda blocking the way) and turn off ol' Izzy. And then I freak. I was so scared! I called my dad and the first thing he tells me is to turn off the A.C. vents compleatly. Then I get out and am checking my sweet lil engine. Cars are all going around me. Yum. I called my uncle, too, because he knows a bit about cars. So I'm in the passenger seat (because I'm not getting in and out of the drivers door w/ all that crazy traffic) talking to him and what do you know? Two guys from Jesus Christ and the Latter Days Saints walk up asking if I need help moving my car. So I say no... But then I move her up because I figured it'd be safe enough to do that much. I crawl back out and one of them says "you leaked something" and I look back, and there's a trail from the road to where I'd stopped the first time of this awesome orange liquid. Yummie coolant. Sweet smell = toxic fumigation that'll fry your lovely pink brains. Shiz. So I open the coolant deal, figuring there's no worries about hot spray junk coming out under the pressure of the hot engine - and I was right. There's nothing in there. Sooo... We need some H2O. Some fine H2O. I called The Waterboy - but he was busy at a foozeball game. So I knocked on a few doors. This 16 year old dude answers and says he has bottled water in the garage. I get 2 and the LatterDay Saints dudes laughed saying "only the best for your car, huh?" I pour them in but that did squat - so Devin (the 16 year old) goes back and gets 2 more. Pour that in. Yeah... We go refill them two. And then realize it's just all pouring back out the bottom. Yummie awesomeness. I talk to my Uncle and we think I'll try driving it to meet my dad at AutoZone down on Pontiac Trail 5 miles away. Ok ok - and have the church dudes follow behind just in case. Haha. Right right. So we pour in 3 of the refilled bottles but just as I uncap the fourth something tells me to not. Thanks God! So I toss it in my everloving open window, climb back in and we're off right away so we don't lose too much water. 2 miles down the road, we're coming up on Pontiac Trail and I'm moving into the right hand lane to turn right. Well, the awesome vents were closed so the smoke decides to pour outta my friggen defroster - I CAN'T SEE!!! And I'm in the middle of an intersection. Thank you - good night. I make the turn and God decided to be awesome and answer part of my prayers and put a random empty 1/2 driveway after the turn - I throw on my hazzards and pull in - ENGINE OFF. I was ready to cry I was so scared and shaking and gawl!!! So I get out and grab that last bottle and the guys pull up and are like 'oh shiz' cept more like 'this sucks for you'. Haha. I pour the little 1/2 liter bottle in to cool Izzy's jets. A green van pulls up and a nice lady gets out and says "hey - I saw the guys in suits and figured you'd need help". Hahaha!!! She asked if I needed coolant and I was like heck yes! She thought she had some... and then she didn't. But there was a Rite Aid across the street so she said she'd go over and buy some water. She said there was a repiar shop in the WalMart right behind us (the next driveway over) so if we could get that far we'd be golden. YAY JESUS!!! So I give her 5 bucks and she goes for the water... And was gone for like 15 minutes. Haha. We thought she took my money and ran! Sorta... We were mostly kidding. She FINALLY comes back and says she went into the WalMart instead and asked where the repair shop was and they said they didn't have one. Oh no! So I'm telling my dad where I am on my phone (thank the Lord for cells - 'cept I guess I wouldn't have needed one since so many awesome people stopped to help anyhoo) and he says he'll come out in a few. I was going to pour one of the gallons in the tank, but then I decide to wait because it'll probably leak out anyhoo. So we wait. The lady leaves to go to where she was going, but I thank her and I bless her. So me and the guys are joking around about cars - they're talking about how machinery is so unreliable and I totally agreed. I ask "what ever happened to trusty horses? If one breaks down, that means they broke a leg, and you shoot it! You get dinner for a week! And what about this $3.00 a gallon for gas? They eat grass!!! It's free!!!" We were laughing pretty hard. So my dad finally shows, and he looks at it and everything. We pour a gallon in that he brought with him, and I'm like "dad - look". It was pouring out the bottom of the car almost as fast as it went in. Yeah right. So we decide to lock up the car and go back to AutoZone to find a repair shop. Uncle Charlie said that there was a GM dealer right on the corner which we could see... buuuuut they'd cost an arm and a leg. Pffttt. So we go ask at AutoZone 4 miles down the road. The closest thing was a Tuffy - another quarter mile away. Heck no! So we decide to do a little cruising of our own and check out the scene. We drive back up Haggarty (I was on the corner of Haggarty and Pontiac Trl) and all we find is a Minakee. They're oil and muffler - and even though my muffler DOES have a hole in it... not the problem. So my dad stops in a party store on the way back to my car, and asks, just in case. What does he find? The Minakee dude inside!!! Heck yes they do stuff like that for my car!!! Heck yes it's barely even a mile away!!! Heck yes we can drop her off tonight!!! *thud*

I love Jesus. So we refilled the gallon my dad had brought - just in case I need the other 2 on the way there. Go back to Izzy. We do a friggen countdown - pour that gallon in and GO GO GO!!! My dad walks out into the 7 lane street to stop traffic for me to go, because there is NO TIME. I miss the light to turn left, though... And I'm blowing a friggin gasket. I'm sitting at the light praying so hard and freaking out with my awesome windows down so I don't die if the smoke comes again. A car 3 lanes down had their windows open too - and the girl yells from inside "Scuse me - you're leaking!" I yell back "I know -that's why I'm praying!!!" I yell my thanks to her... And then the light is GREEN! I totally step on it... but tenatively so to not heat the car too fast. Let me tell you - I've never seen that needle to up so fast. SHIZ! But we pull in (dad behind) and turn off that engine right away and just put up the windows on the battery's time. I clean the car, drop the key... and the end. But let me tell you - if you EVER smell something burny/sweet - GET OUT NOW!!! Thankyou - good night.

PS - Oh yeah - sorry Jerry about your friendly present deal. It'll happen... eventually. But I think you forgot anyhoo and did other stuff so good coordinating diversions!

(now you all can pray that it's not too dang expensive - and thank God for the nice people who helped me today... awesome real life people)

back on the scene!?

Yes - I think I've done a full 180 since last year. I'm no longer dead-set against dating or marraige... In fact - I'm interested in some caual dating? WOAH! I was just writing about it in my diary and figured it was blog-worthy. I'm probably leaving the country for 2nd semester, or joining AmeriCorps in a year or two, so obviously I can't get into anything serious. But I was thinking how nice it would be to go out on a Friday or Saturday with a guy or two (like I said - no serious bf) or what I've always wanted to do - SPEED DATING!!! I just thought it looked fun. So I guess I'm FINALLY on the rebound or something around there. I have no idea - I've only had 1 1/2 serious boyfriends. Hahaha. And screw that! I'm not getting married any time soon. Heck - God knows if I'll ever get married at all! So why on earth make it so dang serious? No, I don't have anyone in mind. But I think ... Dang it why am I not 21 yet? I was going to say I'd like to go out to some bars when I get back to Grand Rapids... Okay. At the very least I'll bust out my short skirts, little black dresses, and tall suede boots. :-*